Scores for 2/20:
Trangressions: 6
Days Since a Collapse: 4
Effectiveness: Advancing
Observation: Yesterday at work I was frustrated by things beyond my control. My frustration affected my entire day. Today there were the same frustrating external factors present (actually to an even greater degree than yesterday), but I guarded against becoming frustrated myself. The way I did this was to focus on one task at a time, calmly, without thinking about where I was in the overall process (if I did, it would have frustrated me). Even though things were out of control, I just did what I could and didn't worry about the rest. I guess I just tried to maintain a calm and patient attitude--and it worked. Attitude does count for a lot. Planning counts for something, pure effort counts for something, endurance contributes to effort, and attitude counts for something. The art of good attitude seems to be finding the golden mean between not caring and caring to the point where everything worries you...actually, that's not very clear...so, I believe that we should strive for excellence with everything. However, sometimes we have to settle for imperfection so that we can move on and do something else. We must accept the imperfection, yet go forward with the next task with the intention of achieving perfection. One extreme would be getting so frustrated as soon as things stop being perfect that you melt down and wait for a while to start back up, again expecting perfection. The other extreme would be approaching each task with a chill attitude, not really pushing yourself to do more than you can easily.
The idea that I'm trying to communicate sounds obvious, at least to me, as I'm writing it. But I know that it's the type of thing that doesn't help you until you've internalized it somehow, or habituated yourself to practice it. Controlling your state of mind is an activity, that takes practice, so although what I'm saying may be obvious, to put it to use is difficult (also, I find that I "forget" lessons like this, and I need life to continuously remind me of them).
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
My apologies to Dan and Kyle for not contributing to the conversation over the last few days. My roomate has taken his computer to his girlfriend's apartment, and I'm back in the situation of not having easy access to the internet.
To remedy this situation, I've started the process of getting online. Eva's computer, which is much better than mine, is being fixed at Best Buy right now, and once we get it back, we're going to install some virus protection on it and get it online. In the meantime, I'll try to post when I can.
After my last post, I reflected more on the criteria for performance. I think that the criteria should cover accomplishments from the back-end, somewhat objectively. Here's what I mean by this: I entertained the idea of using "How Well I Stuck to My Schedule", or something like that, as a criterion for perfomance. The problem with that, as I see it, is that it says nothing about whether the schedule was well constructed, or, whether what was accomplished with the schedule is valuable. Rather than using this, I would want to continue using a criterion like "Effectiveness", because it judges what was actually accomplished.
Regarding a tangential issue, I made a point in the fall about not penalizing myself for things beyond my control. I still agree with this principle, in general. However, I still want to focus on the end, rather than the process. In other words, if I have good intentions, set out to do something, and because of something beyond my control, my endeavor is not successful, I won't reward myself for that (I won't penalize myself either). The judgment must be understood as a judgment of the product of action, and somewhat separate from me as the actor. Again, the point of this is to focus on things that are actually accomplished.
I also reconsidered on the issue of the Franklin virtues. Here's why I initially wanted to suspend my use of them: using them among my criteria created too much anxiety for me and thus cost me too much psychic energy to make it worth it. Here's why I think that that's wrong: ethics is fundamental. I still beleive that if you don't have ethics, you don't have sh*t. Basically, my intitial judgment erroneously gave more weight to the cost than the "benefit", but my new view holds the "benefit", or the justification, as being more important than the cost. While I was using the Franklin system, I was definitely more conscious of my behavior, and I acted more virtuously during that time. I think that setting a target maximium for acceptable transgression also helped me.
Concerning the list of virtues itself, I'm not 100% happy with it, but it's a great list, and I can abide by it for now. More discussion of this will follow.
In summary, I will try to post when I can, but I might not be able to post everyday. Furthermore, I will continue using the performance criteria that I was using pre-collapse, with the adjustments that I mentioned in my last post.
In regard to Dan's post: if you can sprint succesfully, without ever resting, more power to you. Definitely keep us posted on how that's going.
To remedy this situation, I've started the process of getting online. Eva's computer, which is much better than mine, is being fixed at Best Buy right now, and once we get it back, we're going to install some virus protection on it and get it online. In the meantime, I'll try to post when I can.
After my last post, I reflected more on the criteria for performance. I think that the criteria should cover accomplishments from the back-end, somewhat objectively. Here's what I mean by this: I entertained the idea of using "How Well I Stuck to My Schedule", or something like that, as a criterion for perfomance. The problem with that, as I see it, is that it says nothing about whether the schedule was well constructed, or, whether what was accomplished with the schedule is valuable. Rather than using this, I would want to continue using a criterion like "Effectiveness", because it judges what was actually accomplished.
Regarding a tangential issue, I made a point in the fall about not penalizing myself for things beyond my control. I still agree with this principle, in general. However, I still want to focus on the end, rather than the process. In other words, if I have good intentions, set out to do something, and because of something beyond my control, my endeavor is not successful, I won't reward myself for that (I won't penalize myself either). The judgment must be understood as a judgment of the product of action, and somewhat separate from me as the actor. Again, the point of this is to focus on things that are actually accomplished.
I also reconsidered on the issue of the Franklin virtues. Here's why I initially wanted to suspend my use of them: using them among my criteria created too much anxiety for me and thus cost me too much psychic energy to make it worth it. Here's why I think that that's wrong: ethics is fundamental. I still beleive that if you don't have ethics, you don't have sh*t. Basically, my intitial judgment erroneously gave more weight to the cost than the "benefit", but my new view holds the "benefit", or the justification, as being more important than the cost. While I was using the Franklin system, I was definitely more conscious of my behavior, and I acted more virtuously during that time. I think that setting a target maximium for acceptable transgression also helped me.
Concerning the list of virtues itself, I'm not 100% happy with it, but it's a great list, and I can abide by it for now. More discussion of this will follow.
In summary, I will try to post when I can, but I might not be able to post everyday. Furthermore, I will continue using the performance criteria that I was using pre-collapse, with the adjustments that I mentioned in my last post.
In regard to Dan's post: if you can sprint succesfully, without ever resting, more power to you. Definitely keep us posted on how that's going.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I had an idea about what I'm calling psychic energy. I believe that there is a connection between it and inspiration. Just as music, or some other stimulus can have the effect of pumping us up and giving us more physical energy, a sense of urgency, or inspiration, I suspect, can give us a boost. It is not to be depended on for a long exertion, but it can be integrated into the system periodically. In other words, lets say I read an Emerson essay, which is the most inspiring writing that I've ever read. After I'm done, I feel like my soul is on fire and I can take on the world. What I'm saying is that I have to realize that my momentary inspiration will be fleeting, and that eventually I will become sedentary again. That is why I need breaks and schedules and shit, and stamina building, to prepare myself for the long haul, when the inspiration wears off.
What about continual inspiration? I think it would loose it's effect, like all other stimulation when overdone. After a while it wouldn't work. However, I believe that a habitual meditation would be excellent and would give me dispersed boosts. To test this idea, I'm going to read Emerson, or some other inspiring writing, for a few minutes each day.
To recap my semi-organized, semi-stream of consciousness post, here's what I'm going to do for my return to the endeavor of living well and learning more about what that means:
1. Get better at allowing myself to take breaks.
2. Put less on my plate at first, and work up to a full schedule slowly.
3. Habitually meditate on inspiring writing or ideas.
4. (This one I think I only mentiond indirectly) I'm going to prioritize my values more distinctly. Treating others well is most important, followed later by producing works. So, if, like it is at the present moment, I can only do one or the other well, I'll do the former, and wait until I have more stamina to do the latter.
About our rating system:
It isn't great, but it could be worse. I'm definitely keeping my "Days Since a Collapse" score, because stability is a basic requirement of living well. I don't know about the Franklin score. It made me more conscious of my actions, which was great, but it also increased my anxiety by causing me to worry about every emotion, impulse, and reaction that I had throughout the day. I might pick that up again, but not right away. I'll write about the Franklin virtues in more detail later.
What I want to do is use two scores: one is "Days Since a Collapse" and the other is "Following my Plan", which will be how well I stick to my schedule and complete the items on my to-do list. I'll rate this with a 1 through 5, like the original system. It's rough, and may be replaced in as little as a few days, but I like it for now.
What about continual inspiration? I think it would loose it's effect, like all other stimulation when overdone. After a while it wouldn't work. However, I believe that a habitual meditation would be excellent and would give me dispersed boosts. To test this idea, I'm going to read Emerson, or some other inspiring writing, for a few minutes each day.
To recap my semi-organized, semi-stream of consciousness post, here's what I'm going to do for my return to the endeavor of living well and learning more about what that means:
1. Get better at allowing myself to take breaks.
2. Put less on my plate at first, and work up to a full schedule slowly.
3. Habitually meditate on inspiring writing or ideas.
4. (This one I think I only mentiond indirectly) I'm going to prioritize my values more distinctly. Treating others well is most important, followed later by producing works. So, if, like it is at the present moment, I can only do one or the other well, I'll do the former, and wait until I have more stamina to do the latter.
About our rating system:
It isn't great, but it could be worse. I'm definitely keeping my "Days Since a Collapse" score, because stability is a basic requirement of living well. I don't know about the Franklin score. It made me more conscious of my actions, which was great, but it also increased my anxiety by causing me to worry about every emotion, impulse, and reaction that I had throughout the day. I might pick that up again, but not right away. I'll write about the Franklin virtues in more detail later.
What I want to do is use two scores: one is "Days Since a Collapse" and the other is "Following my Plan", which will be how well I stick to my schedule and complete the items on my to-do list. I'll rate this with a 1 through 5, like the original system. It's rough, and may be replaced in as little as a few days, but I like it for now.
The first problem is clear and simple. The second problem is nebulous. Here's what I think was going on:
We recognize that we have physical limits. You can only run for so long before you must stop. I believe that there is at least one other analogous energy in people. I'll call it psychic energy. Before I get too much into it, I want to say that I can see that what I'm calling psychic energy may actually be a complex of multiple energies, but I'm treating it as one thing.
Psychic energy is spent when we try to get ourselves to do things contrary to our impulses. Even being "conscious", as Dan says, requires psychic energy. The only time we're not using this energy is if we're completely going with the flow and being passive. If you try to change your state of mind, or if you start working, or restraining yourself from eating something, or trying to refrain from shit talking, you're using this energy.
My hypothesis is that one's psychic stamina must be slowly built-up. This means that I need only a few tasks per day to start, with a lot of real rest, as described above. Over time I can work more, or add more things, but until then, I need to hold back, otherwise I collapse. I've actually experienced this phenomenon, of building up psychic stamina. When I first got to college, the work load seemed absurdly large. I struggled just to get everything done, and we all felt overwhelmed. Of course we were just at the beginning level, and things got much harder. But, things got harder and more intense gradually, so we became more capable of handing the load. Readings got longer, the science and math got more complex, and the philosophy got more technical, but my psychic stamina increased to meet the increasing challenge.
This means that for the time being I'm going to focus on the basics, and the most important things. I'm going to work and try to be a good friend, family member, and boyfriend. This means that I won't be writing for a while. I'm not sure how long the delay will be, but I don't want to rush things. I'm also not going to work out for now. My job is very physical, so I think that should be sufficient for now.
We recognize that we have physical limits. You can only run for so long before you must stop. I believe that there is at least one other analogous energy in people. I'll call it psychic energy. Before I get too much into it, I want to say that I can see that what I'm calling psychic energy may actually be a complex of multiple energies, but I'm treating it as one thing.
Psychic energy is spent when we try to get ourselves to do things contrary to our impulses. Even being "conscious", as Dan says, requires psychic energy. The only time we're not using this energy is if we're completely going with the flow and being passive. If you try to change your state of mind, or if you start working, or restraining yourself from eating something, or trying to refrain from shit talking, you're using this energy.
My hypothesis is that one's psychic stamina must be slowly built-up. This means that I need only a few tasks per day to start, with a lot of real rest, as described above. Over time I can work more, or add more things, but until then, I need to hold back, otherwise I collapse. I've actually experienced this phenomenon, of building up psychic stamina. When I first got to college, the work load seemed absurdly large. I struggled just to get everything done, and we all felt overwhelmed. Of course we were just at the beginning level, and things got much harder. But, things got harder and more intense gradually, so we became more capable of handing the load. Readings got longer, the science and math got more complex, and the philosophy got more technical, but my psychic stamina increased to meet the increasing challenge.
This means that for the time being I'm going to focus on the basics, and the most important things. I'm going to work and try to be a good friend, family member, and boyfriend. This means that I won't be writing for a while. I'm not sure how long the delay will be, but I don't want to rush things. I'm also not going to work out for now. My job is very physical, so I think that should be sufficient for now.
My crisis was a version of saying "fuck it", but it was spread out over about 6 hours. First I came home tired after a long day at work, and since I had to stay late, my schedule was messed up. I decided to skip the activity planned right after work and jump to the next one so that I would still be on schedule. This irritated me, and I was just distracted in general. I also felt sick. I had two sodas when I had limited myself to 1 per day. Then I didn't write, didn't do anything else, just fucked around, and went to bed very late.
Here are some things that I wasn't doing right. First of all, I wasn't giving myself real breaks during my break times. Here's how I looked at it at the time. I thought of a variety of things that can be relaxing at least some of the time. Included among these were playing video games, eating, sleeping, exploring new places (especially cities), and reading. In making my decision of what to do during my breaks, I figured that the primary concern was doing something that rested me. I went forward with the shaky premise that the things listed above all satisfied that condition. Then I figured that if they were all equally good according to the primary criterion, then I should select my acitivity based on which is most productive. Accordingly, I decided to read during my breaks, or explore new cities, but at the least, I would avoid video games and tv since they aren't productive at all.
The problem with this started because I was thinking of breaks as times when I can also do something productive while I'm resting. Then I started feeling pressure to read as much as I can during my breaks, so it became another thing on a to-do list, or another task. This undermined the primary reason for doing it in the first place, which is to rest myself. What I need to do from now on is to just rest, period, and not give a shit what i'm doing. It is time that I have to let go of...I can't expect to get productivity out of it (but if I exercise patience and look at things over the long run, it's indirectly productive since it recharges me for later.
Here are some things that I wasn't doing right. First of all, I wasn't giving myself real breaks during my break times. Here's how I looked at it at the time. I thought of a variety of things that can be relaxing at least some of the time. Included among these were playing video games, eating, sleeping, exploring new places (especially cities), and reading. In making my decision of what to do during my breaks, I figured that the primary concern was doing something that rested me. I went forward with the shaky premise that the things listed above all satisfied that condition. Then I figured that if they were all equally good according to the primary criterion, then I should select my acitivity based on which is most productive. Accordingly, I decided to read during my breaks, or explore new cities, but at the least, I would avoid video games and tv since they aren't productive at all.
The problem with this started because I was thinking of breaks as times when I can also do something productive while I'm resting. Then I started feeling pressure to read as much as I can during my breaks, so it became another thing on a to-do list, or another task. This undermined the primary reason for doing it in the first place, which is to rest myself. What I need to do from now on is to just rest, period, and not give a shit what i'm doing. It is time that I have to let go of...I can't expect to get productivity out of it (but if I exercise patience and look at things over the long run, it's indirectly productive since it recharges me for later.
What does it mean to live well? What would that look like? What would a person that lives well be like? What would he do? How would he respond to various situations? What would be his values? To what extent would his choices be a function of an a priori moral calculus, and to what extent would they take into account the particular nature of each individual circumstance?
These questions, for me, get at the heart of what I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember, and our blogger circle seems to exist for the purpose of our advancement with respect to these issues. One might argue that the answers to some or all of the above questions are not the same for everyone, or at all times. Maybe that's the case, but we shouldn't embrace the opposite extreme either. The opposite extreme would be absolute moral relativism, to the point where the idea of morality itself seems not to have much meaning. The issue for such a person might be, how can I get the most out of my experience? Or, how can I be happiest, or most contented?...
Damn it--I'm getting off topic. I tried writing a moral treatise for myself, to articulate where my thoughts are with regard to the issues that interest me, but I stopped, because the issues got too messy. I believe that ethics is immensely complex. Just having read some of the classic moral treatises of the west have made me less quick to think that these issues are simple. I find that as I write, I don't expose my premises, or I don't fully bring the reader to where my thoughts are. These problems are not fatal, it would just require revision and careful writing. For the time being, I need to get back on the ball, so I just want to make a few comments that were promised in my last post.
These questions, for me, get at the heart of what I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember, and our blogger circle seems to exist for the purpose of our advancement with respect to these issues. One might argue that the answers to some or all of the above questions are not the same for everyone, or at all times. Maybe that's the case, but we shouldn't embrace the opposite extreme either. The opposite extreme would be absolute moral relativism, to the point where the idea of morality itself seems not to have much meaning. The issue for such a person might be, how can I get the most out of my experience? Or, how can I be happiest, or most contented?...
Damn it--I'm getting off topic. I tried writing a moral treatise for myself, to articulate where my thoughts are with regard to the issues that interest me, but I stopped, because the issues got too messy. I believe that ethics is immensely complex. Just having read some of the classic moral treatises of the west have made me less quick to think that these issues are simple. I find that as I write, I don't expose my premises, or I don't fully bring the reader to where my thoughts are. These problems are not fatal, it would just require revision and careful writing. For the time being, I need to get back on the ball, so I just want to make a few comments that were promised in my last post.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Transgressions: 10
Effectiveness: Staying the Same
Days Without a Collapse: 0
Still nothing...and to make me feel like even more of an asshole, I read an article in this month's Philly magazine about this girl that took over the Philly Animal Control and basically sacrificed her life to start turning the operation around, slowly. I highly recommend it. Ben Franklin and Emerson are awesome, but right now that girl is my hero.
Effectiveness: Staying the Same
Days Without a Collapse: 0
Still nothing...and to make me feel like even more of an asshole, I read an article in this month's Philly magazine about this girl that took over the Philly Animal Control and basically sacrificed her life to start turning the operation around, slowly. I highly recommend it. Ben Franklin and Emerson are awesome, but right now that girl is my hero.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Transgressions: 15
Effectiveness: Staying the Same (+ on the money, - on the fitness, nothing on the book, it kind of averages out to neutral).
Days Since a Collapse: 0
I'm bummed out to report that I had a collapse, using my active definition of collapse. I was on the eve of the mythical 7th day. I'm preparing to write about what happened, why, and how it can be prevented in the future. For now, I'm saying fuck it and wasting time until I go to sleep.
Effectiveness: Staying the Same (+ on the money, - on the fitness, nothing on the book, it kind of averages out to neutral).
Days Since a Collapse: 0
I'm bummed out to report that I had a collapse, using my active definition of collapse. I was on the eve of the mythical 7th day. I'm preparing to write about what happened, why, and how it can be prevented in the future. For now, I'm saying fuck it and wasting time until I go to sleep.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Transgressions: 2
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 5
Advances:
1. Made $ (decided to leave this undefined, since it's hard to come up with an exact figure if you actually take into account rent, utilities, etc. On the whole, I'm making more money than I'm spending. Once I get a pay check I'll create a detailed budget, at which time I could probably give a daily money-made figure).
2. Calisthenics for 30 minutes and biking for 25 minutes.
3. Didn't write any new pages, but revised pages that I've already written.
4. Researched car buying faqs.
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 5
Advances:
1. Made $ (decided to leave this undefined, since it's hard to come up with an exact figure if you actually take into account rent, utilities, etc. On the whole, I'm making more money than I'm spending. Once I get a pay check I'll create a detailed budget, at which time I could probably give a daily money-made figure).
2. Calisthenics for 30 minutes and biking for 25 minutes.
3. Didn't write any new pages, but revised pages that I've already written.
4. Researched car buying faqs.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Transgressions: 1
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 4
Advances:
1. Made $72.
2. Got 1/2 hour of intense exercise, plus moderate exercise dispersed throughout my workday.
3. Wrote 2 pages, began to edit earlier pages, and spent time thinking about stylistic issues that should impact the entire work.
My new job is glorious. Today I managed inventory and prepared orders. My co-workers are awesome (I think everyone has at least a college degree; regardless, they're all interesting, helpful, and pleasant). Tomorrow I'm going to start deliveries. We're allowed to have any coffee drinks from the cafe anytime we want. I got a cappucino and it was awesome. The product is definitely quality. I was pleased to fill an order for an espresso bar on Walnut Street in Philly.
Observation: My time is better spent when I truly immerse myself in an activity. I've been doing this well, and correcting myself when I slip. I'm just realizing how important it is. I've experimented with psychological posturing to help me with this. One thing I did was to pretend that I would do everything for a long time, even if I was only doing it for half an hour. Maybe that's not clear--if I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do next, and I'm trying to push the activity toward it's endpoint, I don't do as well. If I allow myself to shift gears, settle in, and pretend that I'll be doing it for an indefinite period, so that I don't worry about the endpoint, and I just take it one step at a time, I seem to get more out of it. Even though that's how I think about it, I still adhere to a schedule. Ironically, although maybe understandably, things go faster, or the endpoint actually is reached sooner, with the method that I'm describing.
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 4
Advances:
1. Made $72.
2. Got 1/2 hour of intense exercise, plus moderate exercise dispersed throughout my workday.
3. Wrote 2 pages, began to edit earlier pages, and spent time thinking about stylistic issues that should impact the entire work.
My new job is glorious. Today I managed inventory and prepared orders. My co-workers are awesome (I think everyone has at least a college degree; regardless, they're all interesting, helpful, and pleasant). Tomorrow I'm going to start deliveries. We're allowed to have any coffee drinks from the cafe anytime we want. I got a cappucino and it was awesome. The product is definitely quality. I was pleased to fill an order for an espresso bar on Walnut Street in Philly.
Observation: My time is better spent when I truly immerse myself in an activity. I've been doing this well, and correcting myself when I slip. I'm just realizing how important it is. I've experimented with psychological posturing to help me with this. One thing I did was to pretend that I would do everything for a long time, even if I was only doing it for half an hour. Maybe that's not clear--if I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do next, and I'm trying to push the activity toward it's endpoint, I don't do as well. If I allow myself to shift gears, settle in, and pretend that I'll be doing it for an indefinite period, so that I don't worry about the endpoint, and I just take it one step at a time, I seem to get more out of it. Even though that's how I think about it, I still adhere to a schedule. Ironically, although maybe understandably, things go faster, or the endpoint actually is reached sooner, with the method that I'm describing.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Trangressions: 3
Effectiveness: Day off
Days Since a Collapse: 3
Today was lovely. I woke up at noon, had a leisurely breakfast with Eva, talked with my mom and sister on the phone, read Aristotle in bed, rode into town to get ice cream, went to the St. John's library to read more Aristotle, came home, read more, ate dinner with Eva, Ben, and Ada, and now I'm getting ready to sleep. I read about 50+ pages in the Ethics today, which, considering the work, is a lot. I should be finished by next weekend at the latest.
I was frustrated by two of my transgressions. They came very late in the day, and they were the result of sloppiness. I thought that I would finish with only a single point, but I fucked up twice right at the end. Oh well, three still isn't that bad.
Dan--I don't know if the system that I'm using, or the way that I'm approaching the scoring, is the best way, but the most important thing for me is that it's working. Remember how you said that you've never been able to go for a week straight? The same is true for me (other than my first week of college), but I think I might finally do it. Maybe you don't think I'm doing well, or doing as much as I should, but I've been more ethical and productive the last few days than I can remember at any time in the past. I love the system, and I'm not getting tired at all.
Effectiveness: Day off
Days Since a Collapse: 3
Today was lovely. I woke up at noon, had a leisurely breakfast with Eva, talked with my mom and sister on the phone, read Aristotle in bed, rode into town to get ice cream, went to the St. John's library to read more Aristotle, came home, read more, ate dinner with Eva, Ben, and Ada, and now I'm getting ready to sleep. I read about 50+ pages in the Ethics today, which, considering the work, is a lot. I should be finished by next weekend at the latest.
I was frustrated by two of my transgressions. They came very late in the day, and they were the result of sloppiness. I thought that I would finish with only a single point, but I fucked up twice right at the end. Oh well, three still isn't that bad.
Dan--I don't know if the system that I'm using, or the way that I'm approaching the scoring, is the best way, but the most important thing for me is that it's working. Remember how you said that you've never been able to go for a week straight? The same is true for me (other than my first week of college), but I think I might finally do it. Maybe you don't think I'm doing well, or doing as much as I should, but I've been more ethical and productive the last few days than I can remember at any time in the past. I love the system, and I'm not getting tired at all.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Transgressions: 2
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 2
Advancements:
1. Wrote 4 pages.
2. Ran for 1 hour.
3. Began writing a letter to my dad that I've been meaning to write for a long.
Dan--yes, you have gotten my interest with your mysterious talk about the website. What is it? Also, here's how I deal with the problem that you pointed out about changes in behavior. To me, ethical transgressions are two-dimensional in the sense that they are defined both by discreet repetitions, but also by magnitude. So each discreet transgression receives a single base point, and if it has a great severity, you could add magnitude points on top of that. Actually, to take a step back, I think about a point as a unit, which is admittedly subjective. A single transgression could represent half of that unit in magnitude, or twice that unit, or any other factor. Let's take frugality. Suppose that I conclude that $30 per week on food for myself is a frugal yet reasonable amount. If I spent $31, I might resolve to be more exact the following week, but I don't think I would penalize myself an entire point, because it doesn't seem equal to my concept of the unit. At what point does it become equal to the unit? That's tricky, but it's not completely nebulous either. Maybe if I spend between $40 and $50 I'll penalize myself a point, since the excess in terms of percentage is high. Then it would go up from there. Certainly if I spent $100, with a chunk of it being blown on garbage like a box of candy bars, I would see that as more serious than an excess of $10 or $20. I might even penalize myself in other ways, in addition to multiple points in frugality. Does this make sense? I'm trying to be clear without being wordy. Maybe my system isn't good. Maybe it's too subjective. One more example, which has actually come up for me a couple of times. You'll notice that I've scored upwards of 3 points in tranquility. Those 3 points don't represent three discreet moments of anxiety, which would be silly; they represent a measurement of magnitude. On a 3 day I was basically at war with myself and probably manifested that outwardly to the world. On a 2 day I was fighting myself to do shit and at times throughout the day people could probably tell that that was the case, but it wasn't out of control. A 1 day is a common thing, where I'm agitated, and I'm anxious about being doing the right things and avoiding failure, but I'm not freaking out, and outwardly I probably appear tranquil.
EDIT: Dan, if my response to your comments about changes in behaviour either in this post or the last one seemed condescending, I apologize--it was unintentional (I was just reading them over and I think that they might sound that way). I meant to say, 1) your observation was slick, and I hadn't realized what you were pointing out in such a concrete fashion, and that 2) even though I hadn't consciously recognized the subtlety that you were pointing out, I realized that I had actually been accomodating it intuitively in my use of the system.
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 2
Advancements:
1. Wrote 4 pages.
2. Ran for 1 hour.
3. Began writing a letter to my dad that I've been meaning to write for a long.
Dan--yes, you have gotten my interest with your mysterious talk about the website. What is it? Also, here's how I deal with the problem that you pointed out about changes in behavior. To me, ethical transgressions are two-dimensional in the sense that they are defined both by discreet repetitions, but also by magnitude. So each discreet transgression receives a single base point, and if it has a great severity, you could add magnitude points on top of that. Actually, to take a step back, I think about a point as a unit, which is admittedly subjective. A single transgression could represent half of that unit in magnitude, or twice that unit, or any other factor. Let's take frugality. Suppose that I conclude that $30 per week on food for myself is a frugal yet reasonable amount. If I spent $31, I might resolve to be more exact the following week, but I don't think I would penalize myself an entire point, because it doesn't seem equal to my concept of the unit. At what point does it become equal to the unit? That's tricky, but it's not completely nebulous either. Maybe if I spend between $40 and $50 I'll penalize myself a point, since the excess in terms of percentage is high. Then it would go up from there. Certainly if I spent $100, with a chunk of it being blown on garbage like a box of candy bars, I would see that as more serious than an excess of $10 or $20. I might even penalize myself in other ways, in addition to multiple points in frugality. Does this make sense? I'm trying to be clear without being wordy. Maybe my system isn't good. Maybe it's too subjective. One more example, which has actually come up for me a couple of times. You'll notice that I've scored upwards of 3 points in tranquility. Those 3 points don't represent three discreet moments of anxiety, which would be silly; they represent a measurement of magnitude. On a 3 day I was basically at war with myself and probably manifested that outwardly to the world. On a 2 day I was fighting myself to do shit and at times throughout the day people could probably tell that that was the case, but it wasn't out of control. A 1 day is a common thing, where I'm agitated, and I'm anxious about being doing the right things and avoiding failure, but I'm not freaking out, and outwardly I probably appear tranquil.
EDIT: Dan, if my response to your comments about changes in behaviour either in this post or the last one seemed condescending, I apologize--it was unintentional (I was just reading them over and I think that they might sound that way). I meant to say, 1) your observation was slick, and I hadn't realized what you were pointing out in such a concrete fashion, and that 2) even though I hadn't consciously recognized the subtlety that you were pointing out, I realized that I had actually been accomodating it intuitively in my use of the system.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Transgressions: 3
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 1
Today was a success, although I'm not celebrating yet since it was only day one of my new system. One of my transgressions was so minor that I almost wanted to mark myself as having 2 rather than 3, but it's not a big deal. I see what you mean about changes in behavior Dan--it's a great observation, and I have a way that I've been intuitively dealing with that, but I'm not going to write too much at the moment, so I guess I'll post about it later (I'm tired as shit and I'm about to go meet Eva in town). Advancements:
1. Got a job. $9/hr with possibility of pay raises (up to $12, I think) delivering coffee and repairing brewing equipment in Baltimore, Annapolis, and DC. The place seems awesome, I like the owner's philosophy, and a big part of my job will be learning about coffee, which should be fun. I also get to spend time getting to know Bmore and the district. I already got a bag of top of the line espresso beans.
2. Worked out: did some intense calisthenics shit for 35 minutes.
3. Wrote: I wrote 2 1/2 pages.
4. Furthered the process of soliciting general letters of recommendation.
Effectiveness: Advancing
Days Since a Collapse: 1
Today was a success, although I'm not celebrating yet since it was only day one of my new system. One of my transgressions was so minor that I almost wanted to mark myself as having 2 rather than 3, but it's not a big deal. I see what you mean about changes in behavior Dan--it's a great observation, and I have a way that I've been intuitively dealing with that, but I'm not going to write too much at the moment, so I guess I'll post about it later (I'm tired as shit and I'm about to go meet Eva in town). Advancements:
1. Got a job. $9/hr with possibility of pay raises (up to $12, I think) delivering coffee and repairing brewing equipment in Baltimore, Annapolis, and DC. The place seems awesome, I like the owner's philosophy, and a big part of my job will be learning about coffee, which should be fun. I also get to spend time getting to know Bmore and the district. I already got a bag of top of the line espresso beans.
2. Worked out: did some intense calisthenics shit for 35 minutes.
3. Wrote: I wrote 2 1/2 pages.
4. Furthered the process of soliciting general letters of recommendation.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Transgressions: 5
Effectiveness: Staying the Same
I spent much of the day contemplating my new system, and now I'm ready to test it. One of my goals is going to be sustainability, or, the number of days that I can go without abandoning a system, saying fuck it i'll start tomorrow, or despairing about my situation. In order to reflect my progress with this, I'm adding a third daily score: number of days since a collapse. A collapse can be any of the things I mentioned above. I want to make sure that I keep working, do my basic shit, and continue to act cheerful and fair toward others even when things are rough. I'll give an account of my system if it works, and I'm going to define "works" as: avoiding future collapses, resulting in 6/7 days of advancement (every day except 1 day off), and a maximum of 3 transgressions per day. If I make it a month meeting those criteria, I'll give an account. We'll see what happens.
Effectiveness: Staying the Same
I spent much of the day contemplating my new system, and now I'm ready to test it. One of my goals is going to be sustainability, or, the number of days that I can go without abandoning a system, saying fuck it i'll start tomorrow, or despairing about my situation. In order to reflect my progress with this, I'm adding a third daily score: number of days since a collapse. A collapse can be any of the things I mentioned above. I want to make sure that I keep working, do my basic shit, and continue to act cheerful and fair toward others even when things are rough. I'll give an account of my system if it works, and I'm going to define "works" as: avoiding future collapses, resulting in 6/7 days of advancement (every day except 1 day off), and a maximum of 3 transgressions per day. If I make it a month meeting those criteria, I'll give an account. We'll see what happens.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Transgressions: 7
Effectiveness: Advancing
I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoast lately. I don't want to get into that too much, but even from the last few entries it should make sense why I say that.
Today I made a big push on the job front, worked out for a little, and did some searching for a car. I didn't write, but I spent most of my day productively. I'm tired.
Effectiveness: Advancing
I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoast lately. I don't want to get into that too much, but even from the last few entries it should make sense why I say that.
Today I made a big push on the job front, worked out for a little, and did some searching for a car. I didn't write, but I spent most of my day productively. I'm tired.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Transgressions: 11
Effectiveness: Regressing
I'm sick. I couldn't sleep last night, and this morning I decided to take the day off. I woke up at noon, still feeling terrible, but I also felt like I should work. I struggled with myself, part of me thinking that I should work, part of me thinking that I should take the day off to rest so that I can come back 100% tomorrow. I did niether. I did both half-assed, and as a result, nothing was accomplished. I had a depressing realization today. I know what I want to do, but I might not be able to do it. I WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, as in, the way things really are. I don't care if that turns out to be a philosophical pursuit, a scientific pursuit--I don't give a shit. I don't want to have to publish, I don't want to have to produce things for people. I want to read, and think, and conduct experiments...and if nothing comes of it, oh well. That's what I want to do. I want to know the true nature of space and time; I want to know if Kant was right about the limitations of epistemology; I want to know what Godel's proof is really proving, and what it's consequences are; I want to understand the arguments about God, and perhaps judge their validity; I want to know where our feelings and thoughts come from, where language comes from, and what the nature of our physical perceceptions is. I want to live in a small apartment, with a modest kitchen, and books, and notebooks, and perhaps a basic lab, and a computer. I want to wake up and contemplate. Sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, but mostly contemplate. And I want to be able to work at my own pace, and not be afraid of any conclusions, or saying things that are unpopular or contrary to established ideas. I want to crawl out of the fucking cave. But I need fucking money. I hate this shit. I have to package myself, and finesse, and fill out forms, and compete. I don't want to compete and do all that crap. Maybe I'm stupid, does that mean I have to relinquish my dream? Even being at a university would be frustrating. I don't want to publish and give lectures. I'd love to talk to others, bluntly, not afraid to say things--I don't want to be in a profession that requires me to present the appearance of knowing when I actually don't.
Effectiveness: Regressing
I'm sick. I couldn't sleep last night, and this morning I decided to take the day off. I woke up at noon, still feeling terrible, but I also felt like I should work. I struggled with myself, part of me thinking that I should work, part of me thinking that I should take the day off to rest so that I can come back 100% tomorrow. I did niether. I did both half-assed, and as a result, nothing was accomplished. I had a depressing realization today. I know what I want to do, but I might not be able to do it. I WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, as in, the way things really are. I don't care if that turns out to be a philosophical pursuit, a scientific pursuit--I don't give a shit. I don't want to have to publish, I don't want to have to produce things for people. I want to read, and think, and conduct experiments...and if nothing comes of it, oh well. That's what I want to do. I want to know the true nature of space and time; I want to know if Kant was right about the limitations of epistemology; I want to know what Godel's proof is really proving, and what it's consequences are; I want to understand the arguments about God, and perhaps judge their validity; I want to know where our feelings and thoughts come from, where language comes from, and what the nature of our physical perceceptions is. I want to live in a small apartment, with a modest kitchen, and books, and notebooks, and perhaps a basic lab, and a computer. I want to wake up and contemplate. Sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, but mostly contemplate. And I want to be able to work at my own pace, and not be afraid of any conclusions, or saying things that are unpopular or contrary to established ideas. I want to crawl out of the fucking cave. But I need fucking money. I hate this shit. I have to package myself, and finesse, and fill out forms, and compete. I don't want to compete and do all that crap. Maybe I'm stupid, does that mean I have to relinquish my dream? Even being at a university would be frustrating. I don't want to publish and give lectures. I'd love to talk to others, bluntly, not afraid to say things--I don't want to be in a profession that requires me to present the appearance of knowing when I actually don't.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Transgressions: 2
Effectiveness: Advancing
Today I wrote 10 pages, which is the most that I've written in a single day so far. The great thing is that I'm happy with what I'm creating. Also, I went with Eva to cash some checks and make a withdrawl to get funds for a car. The car deal didn't go through, but we spent time looking for alternatives, and soon we should be driving. Also, I nearly finished section 3 of the Ethics.
Effectiveness: Advancing
Today I wrote 10 pages, which is the most that I've written in a single day so far. The great thing is that I'm happy with what I'm creating. Also, I went with Eva to cash some checks and make a withdrawl to get funds for a car. The car deal didn't go through, but we spent time looking for alternatives, and soon we should be driving. Also, I nearly finished section 3 of the Ethics.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Transgression: 1
Effectiveness: Day off
Sunday is my day off, so I wasn't striving to advance myself. I did succeed in having a relaxing day, which will give me energy for next week. I was wondering earlier whether I should consider things like finishing a book, or watching an intelligent film as an advancement. It is one of my goals to refine myself through exposure to great culture, so in a sense I feel like they should be considered advancements. However, my material condition rarely changes in any immediate way when I finish a book, so perhaps one could argue that they are good for planting the seed for eventual action, but in itself it's not an advancement. I don't know which arguement is right, and I'm not even sure how much it matters (in other words, what's at stake in figuring this out?). For now I'll mention those things, but only weigh them slightly when determining my effectiveness, i.e., if I haven't also worked out and/or written, then I probably won't award myself a positive effectiveness rating for just reading. So far I have finished studying Mozart's Idomeneo, read the introductory materials to Eva's new cookbook (a good cookbook is more than just recipes), and now I'm working on Aristotle's Ethics.
Effectiveness: Day off
Sunday is my day off, so I wasn't striving to advance myself. I did succeed in having a relaxing day, which will give me energy for next week. I was wondering earlier whether I should consider things like finishing a book, or watching an intelligent film as an advancement. It is one of my goals to refine myself through exposure to great culture, so in a sense I feel like they should be considered advancements. However, my material condition rarely changes in any immediate way when I finish a book, so perhaps one could argue that they are good for planting the seed for eventual action, but in itself it's not an advancement. I don't know which arguement is right, and I'm not even sure how much it matters (in other words, what's at stake in figuring this out?). For now I'll mention those things, but only weigh them slightly when determining my effectiveness, i.e., if I haven't also worked out and/or written, then I probably won't award myself a positive effectiveness rating for just reading. So far I have finished studying Mozart's Idomeneo, read the introductory materials to Eva's new cookbook (a good cookbook is more than just recipes), and now I'm working on Aristotle's Ethics.
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