It's good to see posts appearing again from the crowd.
Today was action-packed, and I'll only do a quick gloss: lecture on drawing, studied book on modern architecture, worked on multi-view orthographics for my model from yesterday, started taking measurements for our analysis of the Carpenter Center, and then continued to work on my drawings with model expansion. That shit right there took from 9am to 10pm. I'm tired. Peace.

Day 1 of my program is complete. It was great. We already made a model on the first day, and I think we're going to expand on it tomorrow. We were divided into small groups of about 10, and my group seems tight. It'll be intense, but excellent.
I was proud that I minimized my social awkwardness today. I wasn't Tom Hagen, but who is these days? One day I hope to get to that point, but until then I'll just do my best. There was only one real faux-pas, and it's debatable where the fault lies: I was talking to this guy and he mentioned that he was attending UC Santa Cruz. I asked him if he was from California, just because many of the UC students are from in state, and he was like, "Wait...did I say that?" but in a tone that sounded like he may have been offended. Then I realized that he may have thought I was stereo typing him, because he was drinking some kind of natural drink, carrying a skateboard, had a pony tail, and was wearing some slightly hippyish clothing. The truth is that people of his appearance can be found all over, so I didn't make any assumptions about his home state based on his appearance. Oh well, it was slight, but if I were Tom Hagen I probably could have prevented that from happening.
Not much else happened today. I did some push-ups. The walk from my house to school takes almost 30 minutes, so that's basically my workout right there. I might do a bit of French before bed, but I might not.

Back in PA. Greyhound was a little sketchy.

Today I spent most of my time preparing to leave. I had a lovely dinner with Jin and Andy. Before I go to bed I may analyze a Wittman poem with Mark. Tomorrow, it's peace out Maryland.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 9-6
Streak: Won 3

Summary: I tackled the day like Brian Dawkins. In seriousness though, my day at work was high intensity, and the fact that I came home and promptly knocked out my personal stuff was excellent.

Outcome for the last two days: "Win"
Record: 8-6
Streak: Won 2

Summary: This period of time will be all about dynamic time management, meaning, I need to be virtuous when I can and not be tyrannical or overly rigid about apriori guidlines. If I make a schedule and something comes up, I need to be flexible and go with it. Right now I just need to accept the fact that my material circumstances are kind of in flux. Anyway, I got a lot of shit done in the last two days. I ate too many cookies at work, but other than that, my days were solid.

Outcome for the last 5 days: Loss
Record: 6-6
Streak: Lost 5

Summary: I know this sounds bad, and it is, to an extent, but it's not catastrophic. I mainly got losses because I was more sloppy than I would have liked, not because I was completely sloppy. So, ideally, I want to do 1 hour of sketching, 2 hours of GRE, and 1 hour of book--then my lost days might have 1 hour of sketching and 1 hour of GRE, or some other incomplete combination. I haven't read that much. I haven't worked on the domain as much as I could have. So what's causing this?
Things within my control: 1. discipline. I'm just not trying hard enough. 2. forgetting the importance of the little things. For example, I'll allow myself to slide and go to bed at 11:30 instead of 10:30, thinking it'll be fine either way, and if I try hard enough, it won't make a difference. Of course, that's wrong, and it does make a difference. This applies to sleep, morning routine, and diet. 3. anxiety. My anxiety has been out of control. I need to meditate and breathe deeply and calm my mind.

Things beyond my control: 1. the game cube. That thing is an asshole. 2. the sleeping situation. 3. the logistical difficulty of doing my homework, specifically my sketching assignment. The apartment isn't well suited for homework, but it's difficult moving the sketching tutorial, since it requires so much crap.

Plan to fix all of this: 1. try harder, try to remind myself of what's at stake in all of this. 2. be sharp and non-yielding on the little things. 3. prepare myself to be mobile and expect not to do any homework in the apartment. 4. knock out the domain thing as soon as possible so I can cross off another thing from my list.

Outcome: Win
Record: 6-1
Streak: Won 3

Summary: Bad wake up, which I must figure out, but then it was good. Wrote a letter, took care of a logistical issue, drafted an e-mail, worked on the domain, studied GRE for an hour, worked on my novel or an hour, sketched for an hour, and ran some errands to get sketching supplies.
I think my sleeping situation is such that bad wake ups are going to be common. If I keep having days like today, where everything but my wake up is good, I can live with that.

Outcome: Win
Record: 5-1
Streak: Won 2

Summary: Today was solid, although my behaviour is still a bit sloppy (the opposite of crisp and deliberate). I've had moments of both high anxiety and pleasant, meditative tranquility. Of course I'm striving to cultivate the latter.
I worked on the domain name, put in 15 minutes of extra time at work, finished section 3 of French, did a calesthenics exercise like the old days, did my laundry, studied for the GRE, and looked at the next assignment in my sketching tutorial.
When I woke up I felt like a mountain of assholes. I don't know what's up. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well in my new environment. Oh well, it's very temporary.

Outcome for 5/20: Loss
Outcome for 5/21: Win
Record: 4-1
Streak: Won 1

Summary: It's all good if I relax on my days off--that's the point--but there is a limit to how sloppy I want to allow myself to be. Yesterday was over the line in several ways. It's not really that significant in the larger picture.
Today was great, except or the fact that I woke up 20 minutes late. It's really true that a bad morning can cast a shadow over the rest of the day. I persevered though, and it was good in the end. I decided that at this point, my fitness goals have more to do with body sculpting rather than body weight. My weight is at least decent--maybe it could go down. But I'm not weighing myself anymore. I did the second part of the dialogues plus the audio part of the grammar for my current section. I wrote a career oriented letter, worked on the domain name for a bit, began writing a second letter, worked on my summer budget, picked up the GRE book, studied the sketching tutorial for 1/2 hour, and worked on my book for an hour. After this I plan to read until bed time.

Outcome for 5/19: Win

Record: 3-0

Streak: Won 3

Summary: I'm too hard on myself sometimes. I need to remember that I'm on vacation, for the purpose of relaxing and recharging, not to work. That said, I still had a decent day. I got up, worked out, called some people, went on a walk, read a bit (yes, finally I did some reading!), slept for several hours, read some more, finished Marius, read, played chess, and I think I'll play Madden until I go to bed. I thought about giving myself a loss since I decided to play Madden instead of continuing to read, but that's ridiculous.

Outcome for 5/18: Win
Record: 2-0
Streak: Won 2

Summary: There were several things that I did poorly today: I woke up late, which meant that I was late for work; I was not relaxed and confident in my conversations; at times I made decisions without clearly deciding on the principle to make them; and I was extremely casual at night with my time. However, there are two big reasons I gave myself the win. #1, I never gave up or gave in. This may seem small, but I know for myself it's significant--there were two cookies I got from work (huge cookies), and I ate one at the time I received them as my one dessert for the day. Then I battled with myself to refrain from eating the other one. The temptation to say fuck it, it's Friday and I'm on break was tremendous, but I stuck to my principle, and more broadly, I kept trying to be virtuous. #2, as I mentioned, my primary goal right now is to relax and recharge, so the fact that I played Madden for hours and hours isn't a terrible thing. I should have been reading, but oh well, it's not the end of the world.

Outcome: “Win”
Record: 1-0
Streak: Won 1

Summary: It’s been some whirlwind shit lately. I worked, did some preliminary finance management, picked up a few things I forgot at my old apartment, set up more stuff at my friend’s place, went grocery shopping, ate dinner, and now I’m getting ready for bed.
I resisted several food temptations at work today. I’m also doing this thing where I make myself manually input phone numbers when I’m calling people, because the other day I had to call someone from another phone, and I didn’t know anyone’s number, not even good friends. It’ll make me less dependent and have a sharper memory. Oh yeah, pretty big news--I’m at 169.9 lbs. I started at 210. I did three sections of exercises and went over the grammar lesson in my French books.
There was something I started thinking about today, and ethical question. I was reading the Washington Post and there was a discussion about cars, bikes, and pedestrians sharing the road. There were the usual comments, but the ones that caught my attention were the ones saying that bikers were assholes and basically “bullies” because they did whatever they want whenever without warning cars. I don’t consider myself a completely out of control biker, but I will go around people, cross at the pedestrian walk at times, and do other things that are probably technically illegal. Some people were arguing that bikers should be bound to every rule cars are. My first thoughts are several. First, even if I should follow every rule that a car does, I’m not going to, because it defeats one of the primary purposes (for me) of riding, which is that it’s fast (faster than my car). If I waited in line at every traffic light, it would take forever to get to work. Second, cars treat bikers like shit, not that it justifies crazy bike behavior, but if I tried to line up like a car and ride in the middle of the road, like I think you’re technically supposed to do, people would yell, flip me off, and run me off the road. I actually have to cruise the shoulder, otherwise I’d get run over. And since I’m cruising the shoulder, I don’t see why I should stop if the main road is blocked but the shoulder is clear, as it often is. Just preliminary thoughts. I’m tired so I’m going to bed.

I debated about whether to estimate the outcomes of the days up until now (i.e., whether to call them wins or losses) and I decided against it. I'm starting again, once again. Tomorrow will be a new day 1. One thing I'm trying to preserve now is the fact that I'm not behind on anything currently. Everything is either ready to go, not started, or where it needs to be, so I'm good--no more ridiculous workloads hanging over me due to negligence.

Outcome: Win
Record: 1-0
Streak: Won 1

Summary: I’m in the midst of a battle with my final class project for 111. When I got home from work, I spent nearly all of my time working on the perspective. It’ll be nice when it’s done on Monday. It is rewarding, nonetheless. My plan is to finish the perspective tonight or tomorrow night, transfer my drawings to vellum tomorrow night, or Sunday early afternoon, and finish the model late into the night on Sunday, possibly missing some work to get it finished.

In keeping with my mission to focus on what works as opposed to what seems like it should work, I asked myself which blog scheme produced the best motivational results? The answer is my win/loss and streak system. It pushed me in a way that others didn't. Therefore, I'm switching back starting tomorrow.
There was a concept I wanted to post about last night but I couldn't get online. It's inspired by Artist's Way and a concept she talks about called "resting on the page". It's when writing is what you do to relax, not what you do when you have enough energy or have the motivation to do it. I have applied this to myself, mainly in drafting, with good results. I stop worrying about deadlines or how far I am, and I just play with it, like a kid. Have that be my TV or video games. Repose in the drafting.

I did a good job today, if not an excellent one. I weighed in around 173, and worked on my French at lunch. I couldn’t quite finish the exercises for lesson 2, but I will definitely finish them tomorrow. I’m trying to go slower this time around to savor the points and really let them sink in. There’s no rush, really. I was ridiculously tired today. I’m psyched to be going to bed soon. I sold my car this afternoon, which takes care of one major logistical issue in “the move to Nevada”, or Philly via Boston in my case. Class was good, although I complained and made sour faces too much. I find that it’s hard to maintain a positive and enthusiastic attitude when everyone around you is complaining and making sour faces. The funny thing is, I actually like the project in a way and I’m getting a lot out of it, so I don’t really hate it, and I actually am enthusiastic about it, but I feel compelled to join in the chorus. Odd. I took a walk between classes in the forest area in the middle of campus. It was beautiful. I haven’t been in a forest in months, and it was very refreshing. Emerson said a man becomes a man again by returning to nature, and I can see what he’s talking about. In Philly I’m going to be in Fairmount park on a regular basis. We reviewed for the final in class 2, which should be easy, and to cap off the night I got a free sheet of chip board for my model, which means I don’t need to go out and buy any.

I’m deep in the trenches right now. I carried myself like a champion thus far, and if I keep it up, I’ll come out the other end with a great project.
In other areas of striving, my weight is back down around 172 and I finished the second time through the dialogue and completed the grammar section in lesson 2. I think I will finish this lesson tomorrow, which is a new record--three days!
I’m considering adopting a new policy, which is to forbid myself from consuming artless sugary creations. Here’s why I use that term. I’m basically talking about candy or other things that don’t provide me with a rich experience but rather a hollow kick of flavor, almost acting like a drug. Foods like pastries or homemade desserts would still be fair game. Craft confections would also be ok. Straight forward soda would not be ok, but maybe a creative alcoholic drink utilizing a soda would be ok. I don’t know if this makes sense. I’m strongly leaning toward adopting this policy. One category in particular that I was wondering about was Tastykakes. They seem half-way between artisan baked goods and junk candy. I don’t want to stop eating Tastykakes, both for the flavor and for the sentimental value they carry. We’ll see.

I felt worn out when I woke up this morning. First of all, I haven't been getting proper sleep, which I can only realistically address once I finish my project, but for the short-term I think I get by with less than perfect sleep. Another thing that I would guess contributed to my state was my pace yesterday. I worked so hard and fast all day--today I need to tone back unless I want to burn out before the week's done.
I was also reminded this morning of how there isn't much buffer time between when I get up and when I go to work. I normally wake up at 6 to write and then start getting ready for the day at 7. On days like these, when I need to shift all my attention to one thing, I skip the writing and get up at 7. I need to leave my apartment at 7:50 to get to work on time, so I have 50 minutes. In that time I need to shower, get dressed, pack my bag, eat my breakfast, and pack my lunch. I've gotten into the habit of eating a huge breakfast to provide me with sustained energy throughout the day. I learned this in Canada, and it really works. Well, this morning I decided to sleep an extra 10 minutes and then compensate by rushing through my routine. In retrospect this was a bad trade off. It's true that I gained energy from my extra 10 minutes of sleep. However, I lost energy because I didn't have time to eat my full breakfast, not to mention the fact that I didn't have enough time to scrounge up a full lunch. The regenerative power of excellent nutrition outweighs that of 10 minutes of extra sleep. In the future I need to get up at 7 (or 6) promptly with this observation in mind.

Great all-around day. I didn’t indulge myself at all. For example, even though I allow myself 1 dessert, I didn’t take it. I also would have been permitted to watch the Phillies game on game cast, but I didn’t. I’m not trying to be needlessly harsh with myself. It’s more a question of trying to put myself into overdrive mode to do nothing extraneous until I finish my class project.
I got my grade in the second class so far and it’s solid--over 100%. The project for the first class is going well, and I think it’ll be great in the end. I studied the dialogue from lesson 2 in my French and went through the audio the first time.

When I got home from class I cleaned the kitchen as thoroughly as possible without pulling out the stove and cleaning behind the appliances. The best part was I did it vigorously and it only took 45 minutes to do everything--dishes, emptying the dish washer, surfaces, trash, and floor.
I need to eat more slowly and remember to breathe. I gave myself indigestion from eating too fast at lunch and between work and class. Admittedly, those two times are extremely tight, and I’m often under stress then. Maybe if I get a palpable lead on my UPS shit at work and just focus on eating and cleaning up between class (in other words, taking care of my work and eliminating extraneous stuff), I can reduce my stress.

I hope to be consistent one day.
My post last night seems ridiculous to me now. It occurred to me that I basically know how to be effective--schedules, budgets, policies, etc. How to think about everything seems less important than what you actually do. There's a basic level of pure will, seriousness--the opposite of the carelessness that the Godfather talked about--that is required to do anything. There's no trick to this. To treat your protesting mind as if it requires an answer is to give it too much credit, and it undermines your efforts. Just say fuck you to this part of your mind and start working. The real work of strategy and the science of being effective is to know how much of each thing is proper, or when to set deadlines, or what your policies should be. Say, 1 dessert a day as opposed to 1 every other day.
So, I'm still going to keep track of my progress. But I won't worry about how I'm thinking about it, or anything like that. I'll just do it, and we'll see how effective I am. I'll list total number of pages read, number of lessons, pounds lost (or gained), etc. as I go along, and I'll tweak my system as it seems necessary.

I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to tone back my efforts to control myself. I will yield to spontaneity and resist the impulse to systematize my life. This will be difficult, but I want to learn the best means to live effectively, which means I need to try as many different plausible strategies as possible. I'll reign myself back in if I seem close to disaster. One element of control that I will retain, however, is that I will attempt to monitor my experiment vigorously.

Unless Dan pulls something out of his ass beyond what the Tattaglias can guarantee, I'm staying with my buddy Mark here in Annapolis until my program begins.
I'm kicking ass and studying hard. By the end of this weekend I should be back on track, and back on a normal healthy schedule. Word to getting past this ridiculous little detour of horse shit--a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look RIDICULOUS!

Another great day for discipline. I followed all of my basic principles, which in itself adds up to a lot. I went through some exercises in my French program at lunch, and I spent some time with my grammar book in the evening. The main accomplishment for the day was the progress that I made in my logistical planning for the summer.
For the rest of the night I plan to eat, do laundry, and go to bed. I want to be asleep by 8pm at the latest. I have a major sleep deficit at the moment.

I got into the summer program! I'm psyched about that.
Class went well tonight. I got helpful feedback on my first project, and then I gave a presentation in the second class, which the prof said was good. I was a bit worried because I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night due to homework, and I thought I might sound drunk or something during my talk, but I felt fine and seemed to do well.
My discipline was excellent today.

I started monitoring myself around 5pm today.

Progress: I sustained a high level of focus during class and made inroads on my projects.

Ethics: Discipline was good. I would give myself two demerits--one for clicking my nail against my teeth during class and another for swabbing my ear with my pinky (both unsanitary and unsightly actions). On the flip side, not horrible transgressions, and they were both involuntary. Ideally I could eliminate the unsightly, involuntary things I do, such as cracking my joints, clicking my teeth, and picking my ear. My posture is also atrocious.
I had good humility in class (won't get into details). Unfortunately my tranquility was off. I have an anxiety problem, pure and simple. When I get good sleep, eat well, exercise, and give myself time to rest, it greatly reduces my anxiety, so until I can afford professional help, I can take these actions to minimize the problems. My vigor was exemplary, especially considering my sleep deprivation. My social grace was ok, but the above-mentioned bodily stuff lessens my social grace.

I'm ready to pull myself out of the senseless funk that I've been in lately. *cue Rocky music*

I collapsed last night. The people in class started bitching about the project and chatting about non-related crap, and I joined in. It was shameful. I need to be more disciplined.
Notwithstanding, I think there was a strong contributing factor to my collapse which was outside of my control at that point. The night before I had only slept about 3 hours (I had to stay up to do homework), and I ran out of steam once I got to class. I'm going to start generating my schedules with more consideration given to my immediate state. Like, in the abstract, maybe I could expect to do 3 hours of homework tonight, but because I'm sleep deprived and I haven't had a break in a while, I'll lower that to 1 hour, I'll rest for 1 hour, and I'll go to bed an hour earlier. This is all obvious shit, but for some reason it's hard for me to consistently observe it.

Days Since a Collapse: 1

Progress: Weighed in at 176.4 and completed a first read-through of my French lesson. I'm going back through my Living Languages Advanced French program. This time I expect each lesson to take 4 days, which means the program will last 80 working days.
My weight is shameful, but it's not a surprise since my eating and exercising habits have shameful. I intend to correct that starting now, and I hope to break 170 before I leave Maryland.
Tonight in class I will advance at least my first project, if not the one from the other class as well.

Ethics: I did well with social grace today. I was conscious of how I presented myself to others, and I think I did a good job.
I was also disciplined in general, since I had a virtuous day today after several weeks of only semi-virtuous days at best.
I suffered from my usual anxiety, but in a milder-than-normal form.
The main area that I could have done better in was patience. There was a slice of pizza up for grabs, and I was so eager to eat it, that I picked up the nearest plate, which was disposable, and popped it into the microwave. If I had paused for a second, I would have realized that I have a ceramic plate in my work area that I could have used, thus saving a disposable one. I was also impatient to get home to see if I received word from my summer program, which I did not. There's an anecdote from the life of Lycurgus that keeps re-emerging in my memory. It was said that when he received correspondence, even ones of great personal consequence, he would delay receiving it for at least one day in order to cultivate patience. That's real. If I get my response letter from the program, it won't be wrong for me to open it, but it will be awesome if I can put it aside for a day and wait in patience. I'll try to do it when the time comes.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 3-0
Streak: Won 3

Summary: My weight is down to 174.1. I'm very surprised that it's not higher than that after the last two weeks. Tomorrow I should finish my current French program. I wrote a letter, and in a little I'm going to my classes. I still have As in both of them.
My emotions went ape on me today, but I powered through it. My monk/warrior paradigm serves me extremely well when I use it. To review, that's where my first move is to be tranquil, even meditative, and go about each task in a calm, orderly fashion, fully embracing each task for its good, and not paying attention to time or how close I am to being done. If this doesn't work, I switch to the warrior mode, where I power through each thing and almost punish myself with more work. When I start having anxiety about not finishing, or if I start being impatient, I'll stop paying attention to that and just tackle my assignments.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 2-0
Streak: Won 2

Summary: So far so good. My weight isn't as bad as I thought, given how lazy I've been lately--it was around 174. I did a long lesson in French at lunch. When I got home I cleaned up around the house. I'm going to hang out with Eva tonight and then go to bed early.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 1-0
Streak: Won 1

Summary: It was a good thing when we were posting, so I'm reaffirming my commitment to it. I see the last few weeks as a steady decline in my self-control, so I am exerting all of my willpower to restore discipline. Today I obeyed myself.

I don't know what made me think of this, but I had an experience at a Wawa that would probably make Philly natives want to puke. So here's the story:
I went in and ordered a standard cheese hoagie: american, provolone, LTO, oil, oregano, sweet peppers, a bit of salt, and a very light amount of mayo. (All right, I know mayo is a point of debate, with most people probably saying it shouldn't be on there, but that's completely beside the point). Anyway, I went out to the car to eat it, and when I opened it up, the sandwich was a horror to behold. Not only was there just one type of cheese on there--american--but there were four of those fucking triangles on the bottom, Subway style. I almost hurled it down like Dan at Sarcones. I went back in, trying to stay calm, and I showed the person at the deli. She could barely speak English, so that made it difficult (either that or she was really tired). Then, she told me, "I gave you twice the amount of american which meant that I couldn't give you any provolone." I stopped being able to speak English for a second because I couldn't fucking believe what I was being told. After collecting my thoughts, I showed her my ticket and said that, #1, I ordered american and provolone, and paid for american and provolone, so both cheeses better be on my hoagie, and #2, if Wawa has changed its policies so that now they only put on a Subway quantity of cheese, I want a refund and I'm leaving. After I said that, she actually started getting surly. She mumbled something unintelligible, and finally she slapped down two pieces of provolone haphazardly on top of the sandwich. I should have made her reconstruct the whole sandwich with me watching, but I feel bad about wasting food, so I just settled for some added slices on the top.
Anyway, that was my latest Wawa story.

All right, forget about that shit, I'm going back to a win/loss system. I know it's ghetto, but it was effective in its own way. To review, a win means: generally good ethics, good discipline and following my plan, completing my work. Just following my plans and principles.

I'm going to roll old school like the cave man that I am.

It was good when I would post every day no matter what happened. I want to return to that. Even though I'm in the middle of upgrading my blog, I want to resume posting.

Eh yo,
So I'm waiting to unveil my new blog design before I resume posting, but for the rest of yous, what the hell is going on with the lack of updates?

I crashed and burned today. Overall, this was my worst day of 2007 so far. After Dan and Heroko left, I didn't want to work, and I sat there feeling extremely depressed. The house was empty, I had a mountain of work looming over me on what should have been my day of rest, and I was thinking about my dinner of brown rice that awaited me in a few hours. It was all too much and I said fuck it. I bought some candy and fries and messed around on the internet until 11pm. This royally screwed me. I can't believe I did this. I absolutely cannot believe this. This is a loss/1/straight 0s, or whatever. Here's how I'm going to try to salvage this:

1. The money I spent won't really be an issue. It's not as if I have absolutely nothing left at the end of the month. I have a small surplus, so that will absorb my junk food spree.
2. No desserts until at least Saturday, provided I'm back to my normal level by then. I need to eat only the most healthy foods between now and then to give me energy to make it, because...
3. I will probably pull an all-nighter tonight. I hate the thought of doing that with all my soul. I swore off that practice, but now, because I screwed up so bad, I'm faced with a choice: either I can not complete me work, or I can not sleep. Since not completing my work is not an option, I won't sleep.
4. The all-nighter plus the junk food will wreak havoc on my system. I'm "shutting down all non-essential systems" as it were. I'm only sleeping, working, or doing school stuff until probably Saturday. That means no writing, posting, reading, or leisure time this week. Any spare moments I have I will use to sleep. I'm also going to drink boat loads of espresso so that I can stay awake. I'll bring coffee to class with me so I don't fall asleep.

Godfather, please forgive me for this transgression. I'm an asshole. I don't know what happened. I completely collapsed. I'm brimming with self-loathing at the moment.

Regarding my progress for Friday:
My emotions frustrate my reason, but I would never wish to part with them. That doesn't mean that I don't wish to habituate myself to tend in various ways, Aristotle-style. I have a long, long way to go with my rigor. At least now I graduated to the next level.

3 lessons in French, weight at 171.8, 50% of a chapter, nearly complete on my wall/roof section, started preparing my list for model supplies, and assorted admin. I found out I have a 100% in one class and above 100% in the other.
I've observed a behavior in myself that I need to correct. I subconsciously pace myself so that I will finish exactly at the deadline. This sounds good, but it's not. The reason that's it's not good is that there are almost always unexpected challenges or things that take more time than anticipated. For example, if I plan to finish a drawing and build a model in one night, and I have from 5-10 to do it, and it's not quite 7 and I'm almost done my drawing, I'll slow down a little bit because I feel like I'm ahead and I can relax. Well, it's not quite that exactly, it's almost like an aesthetic thing, like I want to time my completion perfectly. Anyway, I slow down, and then the model ends up taking twice as long as I thought and I have to stay up late.
The solution is just to go for the jugular. I should come out of the gate with intensity, and knock that shit out just as fast as I can. Don't stop, don't hold back. This is what the Eagles needed to do more of early in the 06 season. They would do awesome and then kind of lose that urgency. And we saw what happened with that. I need to, as Brian Dawkins said, "fly to the rock, and hit cats in the mouth".

I'd like to revamp my blog both visually and in terms of the tools of analysis presented in each post. For the latter I would like to implement a template like the one Dan had for various virtues, except I would cover a broader range of things. To Derek and Dan: would either of you be willing, and have the time, to program a template if I sent you mock-ups of what I wanted visually?
Finished about a full chapter this morning, one long lesson in French, and weighed in at 171.8. I could have been more vigorous writing this morning, but it was good. Oh yeah, and I worked on my summer studio application for about an hour. I'm trying to find a Plato quote that's been eluding me, which is annoying, but I started on my resume.
I'm short on time because it's a Wednesday.

I'm still thinking about what type of rating/critique apparatus I want to use, if any. But regardless, starting tomorrow morning, if I post, I did my shit. That's the quantum leap. I'm not announcing completions, because that's the new minimum. Anything less, and I'm out of here, because I don't deserve to strive for greatness.

I'm going to implement a new system in the coming days. I want my blog time to simultaneously serve as truly productive self-reflection time, and in order for my time to be more self-reflective, I think my progress needs to be tracked in categories and in more concrete terms. I'm considering something like listing projects that are currently being worked on, their percentage completion, and the change in status for that day, kind of like a loading bar or something. Actually, let me step back for a second. I concluded that my striving falls into either the category of general moral behavior or productivity/achievement. Achievements would be tracked with the percentages. I don't know how I'm going to handle moral rating. Maybe a 1-x scale, or maybe a chart by virtue, like Dan used.
I finished watching My Architect for the second time, and it drives home the pathetic nature of my attempts up to now. Basically, I think we all need to make a quantum leap. Currently, the question is, "did you execute? Yes=good, No=Bad". Instead, we need to start asking, "is your execution optimal?" The question as to whether or not there was execution on any level is pathetic. That need not be a question; in other words, not doing something is simply not an option. Andy Reid can't turn to his staff, ask them to come up with free agency strategies, and then have them show up to their meeting without having completed the task. That's not even a fucking option. No one even wonders whether or not it will be completed. It will, but the question becomes, did you complete it as well as it could be completed within the given parameters? Same thing applies to any professional or serious setting. If you showed up to a review with Louis Kahn and you didn't finish...are you kidding me?
So for me, for example, I need to write. I shouldn't even post about that, because it should assumed. I need to complete my homework, as well as my French, and all my other projects. That should be assumed. The critique needs to shift to strategy and execution. The punishment for not programming because of comedy or something like that should be a lifetime sentence of being a fucking clerk or a programming monkey. One of my professors was telling me about someone who showed up to a review in grad school with only a partially completed project, and they gave him a quarter and told him to call his parents to let them know he wasn't going to be an architect and arrange for him to come home. That's the level that we aspire to, is it not? Do you think we're ever going to be Catos, or Kahns, or Ben Franklins by fucking around and wasting our relatively obligation-free days? No, that's a complete fucking joke. I don't think any of us even comprehend what it would be like to do the work that we're striving toward. I want to be better than Kahn, because I want to achieve that level of mastery, plus I want to be a good family man. So this is the quantum leap that needs to be happen before we can even talk about any kind of shit. I'm mentally bracing myself.

Outcome; "Win"
Record: 137-10
Streak: Won 19

Summary: Got up at 11:30, had pancakes, muffins, and coffee at a friend's house, read articles online, went for a walk in the snow, watched 400 Blows, read, made cheese fries and coconut stif-fry for dinner, and after this I'm going to drink hot chocolate and go to bed. It was a work-free and relaxation filled Sunday.

Week in Review: Bizarre things happened this week in terms of my energy levels. The only thing I can think of is that the car episode stressed me out, which led to me eating so-so in the middle of the week, which led to a slight but noticeable decline in energy, which freaked me out because I couldn't see why it was happening, which stressed me out more, which culminated in my near loss on Saturday. It's shitty because I feel like I'm on the cusp of being able to have an almost totally perfect week. I've achieved components off and on so far, and I don't see why I can't put them all together. Next week I'm primarily shooting for consistent excellence and pacing myself so that I'm still going strong from Wed-Sat.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 136-10
Streak: Won 18

Summary: I slept in and tried to move at a leisurely pace this morning to recover my energy. Eva and I went and got cappuccinos, shopped for our groceries, and then I got down to business on my homework. I finished everything for Monday, and now I'm going to read until Eva gets back.

Outcome: "Win" (changed from loss)
Record: 135-10
Streak: Won 17

Summary:
*UPDATE*
Fuck a loss--I just constructed a cube that is so awesome and precise, that I think even Louis Kahn would have been happy with it. Seriously, I prevailed, I feel like a champion, and this one victory was so sweet that it negated the rest of my floundering around for the day.

Old post:
I feel like shit for losing today, but I don't know what I could have done. It sounds weak, but I was so dead tired all day today, I didn't feel like doing anything. Some days I can make myself work even if I'm tired, but today I had no strength of will. Oh well, the 100 was a quixotic goal anyway. Maybe someday I'll get it.

It seems to me that living well usually requires balance, but this isn't as simple as it sounds. Here are two examples that occurred to me:
1. This week I've been thinking about confidence. I tend to err on the side of being overly cautious, which at its extreme moments might really just be cowardice. Like if I'm building a model. I want every piece to be absolutely perfect, so I take a long time to draw each line, cut very slow with the blade, glue as carefully as I can, etc. I've actually found that if I'm too careful, or perhaps too timid, that can be just as harmful as if I were rushing through haphazardly.
The solution is balance. In this, and in other endeavors, it is important to be confident, and to work at a steady, vigorous pace--jump right in even if you can't envision the entire process in complete clarity. On the other hand, it is also important to be patient and exercise care while working. We must constantly reflect on the progress of the action and be willing to make adjustments. Applying the proper measure of each of these concepts is what produces effectiveness. On the overly thoughtful side you have those pussy generals that Pericles was trash talking in Thucydides, and on the over confident without being reflective side you have someone like George Bush.
Hmmm...no time to write about my second example. Maybe later. I want to give a recommendation for the film My Architect really quickly--great, inspirational movie. Plus it has a lot of Philly in it. Hell yeah on reading Plutarch Dan.

Outcome: Win
Record: 134-10
Streak: Won 16

Summary: Chugging along. I think the ghost of Lou Kahn might call me tonight at 3 AM to tell me my model looks like a piece of shit. I'm debating whether to do another one. I like it, but it isn't perfect.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 133-10
Streak: Won 15

Summary: I spent so long responding to Dan's post that I don't have much time to write my own post. I almost threw in the towel and took a loss today, but in a last second miracle I persevered. Normal activities today. Weight at 173, three lessons of French. Class tonight. Action packed!

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 132-10
Streak: Won 14

Summary: Car is messed up again, so that's interrupting my schedule in a huge way. I excused myself from writing this morning because I would have fallen asleep at the computer even if I did get up. With morning pages I required myself to get up no matter what, since they work just as well if you're half-passed out as they do when you're awake. With my book, however, I need to be at least sufficiently alert so that I'm not writing total horse shit. As I said, the book is not a project or a requirement. It'll take all the time it needs. If I don't do it one day, that's all right. I'll try to do it as much as I can, but I'm not going to force it. Having said that, I might not work on it tomorrow either, since the morning would be the only time that I could potentially spend on it, and I'm already feeling extremely wiped out. We'll see.
In addition to the car, what else have I been doing that's wiped me out so much? Mainly class work. Working full-time and taking these two classes has been hectic to say the least. But I'm kicking ass, so it's all good. I did two lessons in French, weighed in around 174, spent 3 hours working on a model, and spent about 20 minutes touching up a drawing for a presentation tomorrow. I got extra credit in one class for having my project done on the date that we were supposed to have it done because almost no one else did.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 131-10
Streak: Won 13

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 130-10
Streak: Won 12

Summary: I ended up not having a day off, but it's OK. I'm working on not pitying myself, because, first of all, I agree with Emerson that you can only be ripped off by yourself, and second of all, I have an extremely luxurious and wonderful life.
I went grocery shopping, did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, finished my drafting projects, and then went out to dinner for a belated Valentine's Day dinner with Eva. The dinner was fantastic. Everything else was solid and I'm happy with my completed projects.

Week in Review: I put in a completely solid week. It wasn't perfect--one day I didn't do French, I could have worked harder at times, I didn't write on Saturday, I didn't read, I didn't have a day off, and I didn't completely control myself emotionally, although I was better than normal. I was moody a little this morning, for example.
Next week will be more mellow since I'll be handing in my projects tomorrow, and then we won't have a test or a project for at least 1 week. Also, I'm getting my car back from the garage tomorrow, and I feel like odds are that it should be all right for a while before it needs another repair.
Goals for next week:
1. I want to focus on suppressing my feelings of self-pity.
2. I want to make it so that when I work, I'm working very hard, and when I'm relaxing, I'm completely relaxed and not worrying about anything. I've already vastly improved in this category, but I could get better.
3. I want to fucking read! Damn, am I never going to finish another book again? Of course I know I'm being dramatic. But I really would like to read. My goal, seriously, is to read from 4 pm until 11 pm on Saturday. Mark those words.
4. I just want to maintain all of the good stuff that I've been doing.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 129-10
Streak: Won 11

Summary: I think I just saw a tumble weed blow past me in the cyberspace of our web ring.
Today I kept plugging away on my projects, with leisure mixed in. I got up at 11, made omelets, coffee, and fruit plates, ate with Eva, started listening to WRTI and my own music, and drafted until now. I just took a break to grab a snack and write this, but then I'm going to get back into it. At 7 I'm going to an employee appreciation party for my work.
I like my drawings. It's satisfying to work so long on something and then to see the results compressed into a single, beautiful object.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 128-10
Streak: Won 10

Summary: I finally finished that scene in my book this morning. I was proud of myself for waking up, because when that alarm went off, I thought I was going to get back in bed. It's great these days that I seem to be able to work whether I feel like it or not. Maybe I'm approaching the point where I'll win every day no matter what.
I'm drawing again like a mad-motherfucker. I've been drawing since 4:45 with no plans to stop until 11. It looks very nice, I think.
It's crazy to think about wasting time. I bet there are people out there who have 100% maximized their time. I'm not talking about working all the time, because, #1, it's impossible, and #2, your work would suck because you wouldn't have any perspective, not to mention the fact that your life would suck in general. I'm talking about people who sleep enough, have sufficient time to spend "with their family" (because, if it were a guy, he wouldn't be a real man otherwise)--but there would be no excess time. The work would occur at the limits of what is possible and healthy, with absolute efficiency. A minute wasted would be a horror. I guess Dan is striving for something like this, and I am too, in a way, but my goals are much more modest. I remember reading this anecdote about how Ed Rendell walked into a meeting 6 minutes late, and Arlen Specter ripped him a new asshole, telling him that if they were a law firm, he would have just wasted 1/10th of their bottom line for that meeting, or something like that. In one state of mind, 6 minutes is nothing. But in another state of mind, you've just wasted an eternity.
Debussy's La Cathedrale Engloutie (The Sunken Cathedral) is not only my favorite song of any genre right now, but it may be the most beautiful collection of sounds I've ever heard period.

There's a saying that goes, "Philadelphia isn't as bad as Philadelphians say it is", or something like that. Well, I have always said SEPTA sucks. I remember Dan saying SEPTA is awesome in comparison to other shit out there and me being skeptical. So I was pleasantly surprised when, in an unofficial search through some random message boards and ranking sites, Philly actually appears to have one of the most highly regarded systems in America. At worst, it is placed on par with Boston, which I remember thinking had a great system.
My search was prompted by reading the Inquirer article about the threat of fare increases and me thinking I fucking hate SEPTA. Even though it's not as bad as I make it out to be in my head, I still think we deserve far better. We should be striving for something like London or Paris.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 127-10
Streak: Won 9

Summary: I'm like Ice Cube, but instead of eating and lifting, I'm writing and drawing.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 126-10
Streak: 8

Summary: I'm working on cultivating a tough mind, what the godfather might call a "man's mind", the opposite of Sonny's soft mind when he's playing all that comedy with that girl. As I said before, I can't always control my state of mind, so I can't wait until it's right before I work. On the other hand, perhaps the toughness that I'm talking about is having an ever present meta-attitude that knows that only "women and children" (again, to quote the Godfather) can afford to be careless.
I wrote, despite feeling horrible when I woke up. I used my Artist's Way tools: I'm currently on a scene that I'm having a hard time writing, so I brainstormed about it in morning pages format. I got at least 1 great idea about the scene if not 2. I also filtered a lot of things that I want to avoid with it. This is great. I'll get there, I know it.
Later when I was doing French, I used a slightly different approach than the last few days. Normally I go through each item in each lesson, trying to focus on every point. I realized that my impulse to do this is more aesthetic than practical. It is satisfying to feel like you have squeezed everything out of a lesson, or gone over every point and not missed a thing. The truth is that I already know a great deal of this material, so now I'm inspectionally reading at first, and then when I get to a section that's either new or needs review, I'll stop, analyze, put in the cd, and do that item specifically. I ripped through 3 lessons using this method.
When I got home my sickness returned. Oh yeah, I should mention that we got off from class this evening because of the snow. I used the time to think about certain strategic things that I might or might not do right now, went to the art store (which was fucking pointless because they decided to close early because of the snow) and then I got down to business, drafting for 3 and a 1/2 hours. I'm about to eat something light and sleep.

And yo, I aint trying to brag or nothin, but the wu got something...the wu got a 100% on the first of four total tests for the year in class #2.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 125-10
Streak: Won 7

Summary: I started actually writing this morning. Good stuff. Weighed in at about the same as yesterday. Did one large lesson in French today. Since 5 I've been working on a drawing, and I'm still going. I want to finish, but I also want to go to bed soon. I'll try my best to get it done soon.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 124-10
Streak: Won 6

Summary: I started working on my novel again today. It was surreal. I actually had two dreams that I fucked up and slept through my writing time. I think subconsciously I am fearing this. Oh well, as I've said before, I could care less what my emotions do. I looked over my progress to date, organized my computerized work, and reread the section on novels in How to Read a Book.
I want to make something clear concerning my novel. This is personal work. It is not a project. It fulfills no moral obligation. It does not occur on a time-line. My design, planning, and possible political work will fulfill my moral obligation to society, but this is private and sacred. I'll talk about it on here, but I'm going to give this thing as much time as it needs, and I am not going to use any words like, "dominate", "champion", "kick-ass" or anything like that to talk about.
After my book hour, I did my normal stuff, biked, worked, weighed in at 173.4, completed two lessons in French, perused le monde online, biked again, and now I'm off to class.
Tolstoy said something along the lines of "life is what happens when changes occur". Today I changed my lunch from falafel sandwiches to Trader Joe's instant Indian cuisine. I love it. It rejuvenated me in a way, and I'm actually looking forward to lunch again.
Derek: I understand that daily progress can be repetitive, but I find that it's helpful to me to report it, partially in order to help sustain ourselves for the long haul. Also, I gain motivation every time I see someone else's post because, aside from the details, it is a simple manifestation of the fact that someone out there gives a shit and is striving to do something. Plus, you could talk about things you learned concerning the general arts of time management and psychology. It doesn't all have to be facts.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 123-10
Streak: Won 5

Summary: I completed Artist's Way! 12 weeks of work--we'll see how it pays off. Woke up at a leisurely time; ate scones, tea, and an omelet while listening to jazz; wrote my morning pages; did some other stuff--went grocery shopping, got ice cream. It was a fun day. Eva and I went into one of her friend's dorm rooms, and it hit me how much I miss college. Your meals are taken care of for you, your room is small and paid for, there's no substantial cleaning, your job is to read all day. That really was glorious. The last year and half has been way less awesome than college.

Week in Review: I started my 100-days challenge, and I showed some great resolve right from the start. I bought that drafting board, which was huge, so this week should be a little more relaxed. The key thing I want to improve upon next week is sleep. Sleep is #1. I need to take care of that.
My schedule is going to change a little bit since I completed Artist's Way. I'm going to write from 6-7, at least Mon-Thurs, if not Mon-Fri. I definitely need to do that on Monday and Wednesday because of class. I'm going to experiment with different things to see how I can work that in. The important thing is that I get 6 hours per week on the book (6 solid hours!). I really like the idea of doing them first thing in the morning, because I've gotten used to being creative as soon as I wake up, and it's peaceful in the house at that time. Plus, if I finish my writing for the day as soon as I wake up, bam!, I've already started my day like a champion. If I don't have a huge amount of work to do on Friday night, and I need extra sleep, I'll probably let myself sleep in. Actually, no that's not true, maybe I'll do morning pages and then write in the afternoon. We'll see.
I really really really want to have a clear Saturday night next week. It hasn't happened yet since I started my most recent schedule. Each interruption is legitimate, but it's crazy that there has been an anomaly every week. I can't foresee anything for this week, but something could easily come up. Oh actually, I think the employee appreciation party for my work is this Saturday, so there you go, it's a nice thing, and I look forward to it, but no free Saturday next week either.
So I want to continue my wins, get a good hour in on my book every morning, get 8 hours of sleep each night, and complete all of my work by Friday night (except Saturday's hour of writing).

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 122-10
Streak: Won 4

Summary: I woke up at 11 this morning, wrote my pages, then I went back to bed and slept until 4:30. I guess I needed it. I feel great now. After sleeping that much, I have definitely overcome my sleep debt. Also, my sickness is basically gone, when even last night I felt like a pile of shit.
As soon as I got up the second time, I started steam rolling projects like an 18-wheeler with a drunk driver driving. I worked on my summer program application, put away laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned up the entire kitchen which was getting pretty shameful, mailed a letter, created an axon drawing for class, and now I'm going to continue work on another drawing. When I first woke up I had this delicious mountain of pancakes with butter and maple syrup while listening to WRTI. It was glorious. They were playing this new release from Richard Rodney Bennet called Reflections on the Scottish Folk Song. It was amazing. It sounded like a more stringy and sweeping version of Ralph Vaughn Williams or even Debussy. I need to learn so much more about music. Now I'm listening to the kick ass salsa program. I listened to this last week too. I love this shit. I want to dress like a gentleman and host a private dance party in the pyramid lounge on top of the Mellon Center in Philadelphia.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 121-10
Streak: Won 3

Summary: Today I felt sick and tired, literally, but I still did what I needed to do. I was tired because I've been averaging about 7 hours a night as opposed to 8, and I feel sick probably because it's that time of year. I wrote my pages, biked, worked, did French (I'm at lesson 18 out of 40 right now), weighed in at 172, worked, biked, made a deposit, and then came the event of the day: I decided that I need to get a drafting board. The lab hours are limited, and it'll save me the car trip up there on Tuesday's and Thursdays, not to mention the time, which adds up to about 2 hours a week extra. Well, I spent the majority of the evening researching what to buy, making calls, and then actually getting it. The store was pretty far, but I'm glad I got this accomplished in one night. This will be a huge change for the better.
In response to Dan's comments--one day's win is not a statement about how that day compares to the ideal day. It has more to do with what I did given what I had to work with. Like I said in my comments earlier, even if I grant myself too liberal of an excuse, that won't necessarily result in a loss. It's more an issue of taking each moment, trying to figure out what is the best thing, if I can't figure out what the best thing is, then trying to avoid doing obviously bad things, and then at the end of the day roughly balancing the amount of times I acted well and the amount of times I acted poorly. And different things are weighted differently. Like good posture is virtuous, but even if I have terrible posture all day, that's not necessarily a loss. It's like a touchdown for the opposing team, but I could still win. Not doing my morning pages, at least according to my latest scheme, is like throwing 4 INTs in a row--it's fucking over. I wanted an overall "yes" or "no" because I want my system to offer me flexibility. Also, I still have that part of me that wants to be perfect. I can appease that part by giving myself a win. Even though my rational mind knows that rarely will it happen that a win actually corresponds to a perfect day, my perfectionist mind just sees the win and is content. It thinks I did perfect for the day, because there are only two options and no subcategories. It's like, the Eagles can fuck up, yet still make some huge plays and pull out the win, and then once the game ends, all that's left is the win or the loss. They need not carry the thoughts and pains of those mistakes into the next game, although from a strategic standpoint you want to study them. Damn, I'm so tired right now. I'm just going to go to bed. My apologies if this is just garbled horse-shit.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 120-10
Streak: Won 2

Summary: Morning pages, biked, worked, weighed in at 172, did 2 out of 40 lessons in French, worked, biked, made lunch, about to eat dinner, then stop at the art store, draft for about 5 hours, and then go to bed.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 119-10
Streak: Won 1

Summary: I broke my Wednesday-loss streak, although I got a loss yesterday, so I didn't really do any better. Yeah, the problem Dan points out in his response below is one of the fundamental problems that any "system" must deal with. I tried to give my best account of how I deal with it, and I encourage any critiques of my method.
So today I set a challenge for myself. It's not moderate, so I'm violating one of my core principles, but it's not a critical component of my plan--it's totally for fun--so it's not important that it violates my principles. My challenge is 100 straight wins. Today is #1. 100 would put me right around Boston/Philly time, which would be an amazing way to carry me into that transition.
I was thinking tonight that one effective way to use the blogs would be to "sponsor" each other. I tried to do this by offering Dan a raspberry mocha if he got five straight "all 1" days. The awards could be based on actual project milestones, like, I'll do x once you reach stage y in project z (or I'll do x if reach stage y in project z within a given range of time), or the awards could be based on our personal rating systems, like mine was when I attached it to Dan's rating system. I would think that pure monetary value of the incentives should not be the focus. It should be more creative. Like, Dan might say, "if you get an A in both of your classes this semester, I will promptly read any book you recommend to me, and provide feedback"--something like that.
I will try to set the tone: Dan and Derek suggest May as the time when they think their shit will be blowing up. If they simply complete the core program before March 31st, I will contribute 20 uncompensated data collection hours, and for each day earlier than that, I'll add another hour. By core program I mean everything except the content. It must be online with at least some sort of initial content and the capacity for users to start creating accounts. Does this seem too hard or too easy? Let me know, and I'll adjust my offer. I was just trying to think of something to test the sponsorship concept.

Outcome: "Loss"
Record: 118-10
Streak: Lost 1

Summary: No pages and then a raspberry mocha. Also, I was feeling sorry for myself all day and finding ways to tell people about my condition in a way that I was seeking sympathy.
I am now committing to doing my morning pages every day. I have excused myself in the past, and I was going to write today off as an excused day since I was up late doing virtuous things, but then I realized that 45 minutes of writing my morning pages gives me more vitality than 45 minutes of sleeping, no matter what, so I need to do them, no more excused days.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 118-9
Streak: Won 5

Summary: Morning pages, biked, worked, weighed in at a shameful 174.6 (I can't really account for that), started my next French program (completed 4 out of 40 lessons today alone!), biked, eating dinner now, getting ready for class, going to kick ass at class, then go to sleep.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 117-9
Streak: Won 4

Summary: Wrote my pages, made breakfast, read my final AW lesson, took a shower, made baklava, listened to a beautiful live rendition of Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of the Fawn on WRTI, went to a Super Bowl party, made my lunch, and now I'm going to bed.

Week in Review: These days, my schedule is pretty action packed. The fact that I'm staying above water and completing everything is an accomplishment that I'm proud of. That one morning when I got up and did my pages, even after giving myself an excused absence, was awesome. My level of attention and effort on the second half of Wednesday was also great. There were a few things that could be better. First of all, no fucking mochas this week--none. Even though I do allow myself some dessert in my diet, the mocha is off-limits. I need to get back into the habit of being hardcore about desserts at work. If I don't draw a line now, soon I'll be wolfing down the pastries and drinking all manner of crap, like I did last spring. I've been virtuous about this so far, and I'd like to continue that. The other thing is reading. It seems like that's the one thing that tends to get sacrificed at the end of the week because I'm so tired. That's not right--it's a critical part of my week, and I need to make sure it's happening.
Next week I'm going to start going back through my old French program as a review. I'm curious to see how long it will take. I'm guessing I can do it in about 4 weeks.
In other miscellaneous news, I'm psyched that I'll be getting back to the book on the week after next. It's crazy to think about doing that again. We'll see if the last 12 weeks were worth it.

Outcome for 2/3: "Win"
Record: 116-9
Streak: Won 3

Summary: Crazy schedule because of Eva's senior essay. I did finish everything I needed to do.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 115-9
Streak: Won 2

Summary: I stayed up late last night reading Eva's essay, and because of that, I gave myself another excused morning pages absence. What's crazy is that I woke up on my own, at the proper time, and did them, even though I already excused myself from them. That was one of the most virtuous things I've done since the start of my series.
I finished my 20 week French program today, worked, weighed in at 171, biked, toured the state house for my artist's date, finished my homework for class, cleaned up, ran an errand, filed my taxes, and did some miscellaneous administrative work. I've set myself up fantastically for a great Saturday and Sunday. Remember, ideally, Saturday night is for hardcore reading. Sunday is for hardcore relaxing. It seems that there's nothing that should obstruct either of those activities.
I've often stressed the importance of health (diet, sleep, exercise, rest, etc.) over mental strategies. And while I still think that mental strategies are garbage for the most part, there is one that has worked consistently for me. This is to view my mind as a drama between different characters. There is a reasoning and judging character, and if I mentally commit myself to granting complete sovereignty to that "self", then it helps to move along in a positive direction. For example, when I get pumped up about something, all of my selves are unified in will. The problem with that is that inspiration is fleeting, and soon I'm conflicted--my reasoning, judging self concludes that x action is the best action in order to forward my goals, but some other parts of myself, more viscerally present in my consciousness rebels and has a terrible attitude. So then I basically sign a mental contract with the reasoning mind, and then I can do whatever I want. It's like being scared of doing something and then overcoming it (enough that you can move forward) by just signing up for it, mailing your payment, and then getting scared later, rather than let your fear present the possibility of not doing the thing. So in my mental drama, there's the whining self that wants the raspberry mocha. My reaction is not to battle with that self, but just to let it be, and calmly hand the scepter to the reasoning self, which knows that I'm on a diet (and making progress), and which knows the steps that need to be taken in order to get there (those steps don't include a mocha at the moment). So basically I say, "all right fine, throw your fit. You're just making it harder on yourself, because yo, you're going to do it, one way or another. Do you want to drag yourself through pain in order to do it? Or do you want to embrace the inevitable, thus rendering it more pleasant? Whatever, you can do whatever you want, because really it doesn't matter in the end."
Perhaps my strategy sounds lame, but for whatever reason, it has worked well for me. Maybe another way to explain it is to draw a parallel with the experience that Dan and I had with vegetarianism, which was that we made the commitment, and after that point, it wasn't hard at all. It wasn't even an option. It didn't feel like deprivation, it was just the way it was. Well this is like that, except there's another self that whines and carries on constantly about the choice, but the key is that your better half has made a commitment analogous to the vegetarian commitment, which is iron clad. Acknowledge your weak, asshole self, don't get freaked out when its voice creeps into your consciousness, just basically let it stand in the corner and throw it's tantrum. It kind of quiets down after a while once it figures out that it's not going to get what it wants (I've noticed that on individual points, if I let myself slide a few times, it gets immensely more difficult to ignore the voice).

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 114-9
Streak: Won 1

Summary: Last night I worked so hard, had such good etiquette, and just generally carried myself with such a virtuous comportment, that I was tempted to change my loss to a win. However, I believe that there are certain core requisites for a win, such as doing my morning pages.
This morning I did do my morning pages, followed by the usual routine. I spent 4 hours in the studio working on one of my projects.
I came up with an idea for a possible schedule adjustment. I'm going to have 40 more dollars a month because I'm ceasing my Sprint internet service. My idea was to keep my budget the same, and work 5 hours a week less and use those 5 hours (1 each day), to work on my book. This would take effect at the beginning of my next budget cycle, which nicely coincides with the completion of Artist's Way (a week and a half from now). This way I'd only have class, 1/2 hour of admin, 1/2 hour of cleaning, and homework to complete after work. That will be more sustainable.

Outcome: "Loss"
Record: 113-9
Streak: Lost 1

Summary: Damn these Wednesdays! Nah, I don't know what to say. I've been getting little sleep lately due to unforeseen stuff that has to be dealt with, and when I don't get sleep, I lose my power to be virtuous. The main thing here is that I didn't write my morning pages again and I drank 2 (I'm so ashamed) raspberry mochas today. But from now until when I go to sleep, I'm going to be going all out so that I can be excellent at class.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 113-8
Streak: Won 6

Summary: Motivational thought--what if the fate of humanity depended on you? Or, before you say "fuck it" and get a raspberry mocha, make sure you're OK with the idea that you're shrugging off the course of the world by succumbing to that opiate-like haze.
Today was a day of exceptions, because unexpected things happened. My car malfunctioned last night while leaving school, so I didn't get home until very late. Thus, I gave myself an excused absence from the dining room table during morning pages time. Then, after work, I had to deal with the car and get it to a garage, which ate up a ton of time. Even with my modified schedule, I still did all right: bike, work, weight at 172, French, homework, cleaning, and later I will do a bit of admin, probably tax return. I came perilously close to losing today, because partially through work I started thinking, "dude, today is so fucked up because of the car and because of ... (yet another thing that happened which I won't get into here), so just chill for today, and get back on the horse tomorrow." Then the thoughts from above occurred to me, and I decided to act as though the fate of the world depended on me.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 112-8
Streak: Won 5

Summary: Morning pages, biked, worked hard, weighed in at 173, did French, biked home, made lunch, going to class. Maintained good attitude

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 111-8
Streak: Won 4

Summary: Nice day off.

Weekly summary: Overall, I'd say this week was more productive than last week, although I got that loss. The loss was on a technicality, and other than that, Wednesday was a productive day. The only things I'm going to try to do differently next week are that I'm going to reduce my AW exercises time by 1 1/2 hours and make sure that I have a quality artist's date. I should finish my French program this week.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 110-8
Streak: Won 3

Summary: I came online looking for updates of peoples' shit, and there was nothing. What happened to your quest for the perfect week Dan? Today was workman-like. Nothing special. The shitty thing was how long it took me to get to the point where I could start reading, which is right after I'm done this post. But the important thing is that once again I freed up my Sunday so I will chillax hardcore all day tomorrow.
In my morning pages I had an outpouring of inspiration concerning scheduling. First of all, I'm going to cut down my weekly AW exercise time. I'm going to do 45 minutes on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but Saturday's will be mainly preparing for the following week (only two weeks left of the official program!). Actually, let me back up a little bit. Ah fuck it, this isn't that interesting to anyone else. I want to read. I'll write more tomorrow.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 109-8
Streak: Won 2

Summary: I have maintained a great working attitude the whole day. I finished my French for the week, started organizing my summer studio application, made a deposit, now I'm going to make dinner, and afterwards I'm going to create my grocery list, work on my homework for class, and do AW stuff.
Somehow my weight went up between yesterday and today. Now I'm at 172. That's pretty awesome in the larger context, but still, I wanted to be at 170 today. 2 pounds is not a huge difference though. I don't understand why I got heavier especially after my Rockyesque workout on Thursday.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 108-8
Streak: Won 1

Summary: I came back with a huge victory today. At work I stacked the burlap coffee bags myself, which is something I didn't even think I was capable of. They're 180 pounds of shifting weight. I actually managed to stack them 3 and 4 high on pallets. Today I earned my Rocky Balboa moniker.
I weighed in at 171, which is a new record. With all that crazy lifting, it's completely possible that tomorrow I'll be at 170 or 169. I did all the normal stuff. Additionally, I cleaned up in the kitchen, did some misc. admin, and bought a wireless card. That should save me 40$ a month.

Outcome: "Loss"
Record: 107-8
Streak: Lost 1

Summary: Automatic loss--didn't do my morning pages. I went to bed on time last night, so I don't know what happened. When I woke up I was zombie-tired, and my decision was instant. When I lay back down I was asleep immediately, and then I even pressed snooze twice after my extra 45 minutes. The only thing I can think of is that I might be getting sick. I'm stuffy today and don't feel great.
Just because I got the loss doesn't mean I'm quitting for the day. I'm still going to try to be productive.
Nice job Dan on two straight 5s. That's out of control (or, to be more precise, ridiculously in control).

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 107-7
Streak: Won 10

Summary: First of all, +1 raspberry mocha to Dan if he makes it until Friday. Second of all, Dan's posts are valued by me, and at times they give me inspiration, so to Dan: don't stop posting.
Tomorrow I'm going to make an adjustment. On Monday and Wednesday I have class. I need to leave here at 5. What I tried to do Monday was leave work at 3:45 so I could be home at 4, do AW stuff until 4:45 in order to fulfill my daily allotted time, eat for 15 minutes and then leave. There were several problems with that. #1: it puts me at a 15 minute time deficit at work which is a hassle, both practically and psychologically. #2: I am so flustered from running around in such a tight time space that I am not breathing deeply or just pacing myself in a healthy way, #3: it's too fast to eat. I got indigestion from doing it. #4: (and this is the most important one of all), when I got home from class, which is around 10, I still had to make my lunch, post, brush my teeth, and switch the contents of my bag. This meant that I didn't go to sleep until around 10:45. That's horrible, and I suffered from the consequences today. So instead, I'll leave work at 4, take care of lunch and posting between 4 and 5, eat my food at a slower pace, and to make up the AW time, since I won't get a chance to work on that Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll do 1 and a half hours on Thursday and Friday. The AW thing will soon cease to be an issue since I'll be done in two weeks. Also, next week is my last week in my French program and then I'm done. I weighed in at 172--I can see myself breaking 170 any day!

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 106-7
Streak: Won 9

Summary: Pages, morning preparations, drive to work (snow), work, treated myself to a raspberry mocha, weighed in at 174 (best starting weight yet!), 15 minutes of French, printed my homework assignment for one of my classes, 45 minutes of AW, my two classes, made lunch, and now I'm off to bed.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 105-7
Streak: Won 8

Summary: Today was so glorious. This was totally perfect. Just relaxing all day, getting up late, eating fresh scones, jam, and tea, reading Philadelphia magazine, went for a long walk in the snow, ... , made a stir-fry, now we're going to walk to the movie store, get ice cream and a movie, and watch that until bed time.

Weekly Summary: First of all, in response to Dan's challenge: I don't want to do it. "My answer is no, and my no is final". I'll tell you why. I have come to believe that our vitality requires kindness and forgiveness from ourselves, and to strive for such a controlling state is harsh and destructive. I obviously value discipline, but an intelligent discipline which is flexible and forgiving. Having come to this conclusion, one thing I am going to start doing next week is factor these virtues into my decision about whether or not I "won". In other words, a win, from now on, will not only require discipline and a hardcore work ethic, but it will also require flexibility, forgiveness, and kindness.
This week was great, perfect in a way. I did everything I wanted to. Well, actually that's not entirely true, since last night I ended up using the whole night to work on my homework assignment for class, which meant that I didn't get a chance to read. This is unfortunate, but I'm not going to penalize myself for it, since I used the time for something else which is actually more pressing at the moment. Hopefully next week I can read more. I just want to make sure that I do the same thing next week as far as freeing up Sunday completely, so that I can have another day as restful as today.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 104-7
Streak: Won 7

Summary: Today I got up leisurely, did my morning pages, performed my morning toilette, ate, went grocery shopping, made my lunches for next week, cleaned up, did a bit of laundry, did my 45 minutes of AW, next I'm going to do an hour of "b", then read my AW for next week, read my ass off until Eva gets home, and then chillax. I'm reading a French grammar text, and there's a chance that I'll finish tonight, which would be glorious.
Regarding your challenge Dan...I'm thinking about it. I'll let you know definitely in tomorrow's post. I don't even have enough ducats to buy you a raspberry mocha, but maybe I could save up for a while before we meet up next time. Dude, a 5 for me is a 5 for you, I'm pretty sure. I would say even if you leave the house a minute late, you don't get a 5. My 5 is a fascist 5. You can't be out of step even in the slightest detail. Like my breech of silence would certainly warrant failure. Not getting up absolutely promptly and crisply would result in failure. Lingering the shower on a tired morning for even a minute would result in failure. Any little thing. Are you up for that? I might be up for that. I'll have to let you know tomorrow.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 103-7
Streak: Won 6

Summary: Today, at least so far, has been a blow-out win. Viewers might have turned off their TVs because it's not even competitive.
I did my morning pages in excellent fashion, ate a great breakfast, biked to work quickly to make up for leaving the house a minute late (I did get there on time), worked hard, weighed in at 172, did 15 minutes of French, worked more, biked to the art supply store to pick up supplies for class, organized my school shit, made a deposit, folded/hung up some laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned up the kitchen, completed my French lesson for the week (it was a super-long one), and made dinner. After dinner, I will write some letters, go on my artist's date, make a grocery list for tomorrow, and perhaps put in some time on AW exercises.
I want to tell the story of the raspberry mocha. For the whole week I have been intensely craving a raspberry mocha. I don't know why, but I was. Because I'm really trying to push my fitness goals to make up for the holidays, I decided that I'm not allowed to have one this week. However, despite my resolution, my mind was screaming for one from the second I walked in on Monday until I clocked out this afternoon. Well, fuck you mocha--I won. Here's my challenge for next week: break 170. Keep in mind, last year my end goal was 180. I've already surpassed that by 8 pounds, which is great, but I still feel slightly fat-fuckish so I need to keep going.
This Sunday I'm going to have an intense relaxation session. I will have completed every task for the week, so I won't feel guilty or anxious. Just relaxing. I've already said, I'm not driving anywhere Sunday. And since football is over, things will be even-keeled.
I'm flirting with the idea of demanding 100% perfection from myself next week. I've already talked about perfectionism and its crippling effect, so in a way I think it's bad to make such a goal. But then again, this week was near perfect, and perhaps I could look at it as a game, and if I don't do it, then it's still OK, because I can get a win without a 100%. If I did it, that would mean 7 straight 5s. Can you believe that shit? The 5 was mythical last year. Achieving my first one (last year) took such a monumental expenditure of energy that I recall crashing and stopping my system the day after. This year I've gotten a handful of "5s", without being annihilated by them. But 7 straight? Wow, that would be out of hand.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 102-7
Streak: Won 5

Summary: This morning was another time when I almost went back to bed after turning off the alarm clock, but I triumphed again. I've basically been sticking to my schedule perfectly so far this week. Class seems good. It's additional time and money, but it's worth it. I weighed in at 173 today. It's great because ever after all the holidays and stuff, I'm right back to where I was before.
There was a classic example of breech of silence today. I was in a group of my co-workers, and one of them said she was going to Trader Joe's. She asked me if I wanted anything. In response, I said, "Well, there are definitely things I want, but I shouldn't because I don't have any money." That was completely unnecessary, and beyond that, it was unethical. First of all, I shouldn't complain about my situation, ever. Unless I feel wronged and expect my grievance to redress the situation, I shouldn't complain. I view what I said as an indirect complaint. Also, no one needs to know about my financial status, and not just for my privacy, but for their own sake as well. It's pathetic and annoying. The proper response would have been, "no, but thanks for offering."

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 101-7
Streak: Won 4

Summary: I'm posting early because I want to go to bed promptly after returning from class. One of my books still hasn't arrived, which is annoying, and I also spent time trying to deal with that, which messed up my schedule a little bit. I did my morning pages and followed my principles, I'll probably get at least 20 minutes of AW in before leaving, and class counts for my "b" time for the day.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 100-7
Streak: Won 3

Summary: 100 wins feels good. It simultaneously feels like it was a short time and a long time. I did my pages, ate breakfast, biked, worked, studied French for 15 minutes, logged a few extra minutes at work, biked home, did an hour of GRE, did AW exercises for 45 minutes, cooked an epic dinner (I'm still working on it--fried sage and winter squash soup), and after this I'm going to finish dinner, eat, make my lunch, do my nightly dental stuff, and then go to bed. Tomorrow I start classes at AACC.
For my AW exercise I have to create a collage with images of myself next to images representative of my ideal life, and specifically, of what it would be like if your dream came true. So tonight I printed out pictures of Terri Gross and Fresh Air interviewing someone in the studio, took pictures of myself, printed those out, and then cut them and taped them onto the Fresh Air pictures. I made a photo sequence, and it's hilarious.

Outcome: Win
Record: 99-7
Streak: Won 2

Summary: Normal stuff. Strategy worked. Great moment this morning: alarm went off, I felt like a truck had hit me, I capitulated in my mind--I actually decided to let myself go back to bed. I stood up, shut off the alarm clock, and almost commenced a shameful beginning to the week. Then miraculously, I got up and started working. Hell yeah.

Outcome for 1/13: "Loss"
Outcome for 1/14: "Win"
Record: 98-7
Streak: Won 1

Summary: Yesterday sucked and that's the end of the commentary for yesterday. Today I was impressed with my ability to get back on the horse. I did my morning pages, created a dinner menu for the week that should be fun and increase my culinary knowledge, went shopping, made my lunches for next week, studied GRE for 2 1/2 hours, read my AW lesson for next week, and soon I'm going to get into bed.

Weekly Summary: My mind completely rebelled against myself Friday and Saturday. Well, more like my emotions rebelled. My head just went ape-shit. Perfectionism was frothing and rampaging in my mind Saturday, which contributed to my loss. I thought of a new idea. I am a perfectionist. I would like to solve that problem, and I would be better off if I was able to, but in the meantime, perhaps I can channel it. This is how I propose to channel it: I divide myself into two minds. In the one mind, I am the "coach", Andy Reid. In this mind I create schedules, to-do lists, and strategies, using what I know to be effective and humane principles. Then I turn myself over to my other mind, or the "player" mind. In this mind I am emotional and passionate. In this mind, I allow myself to be a perfectionist, that is, I challenge myself to follow perfectly the un-perfectionist game plan that I created as a "coach". It worked today, because today I tried it.
There were some interesting comments about discipline that the author of Artist's Way Made concerning discipline, comments that are relevant to our discussion about virtue. However, I want to wait to see how my own projects pan out before I post them, sort of as a test.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 97-6
Streak: Won 9

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 96-6
Streak: Won 8

Summary: God damn, I had the worst attitude today, and I mean attitude in the semi-technical sense in which we were discussing it between our virtue blogs. From the moment I got up, it came out in the morning pages, it plagued me at work, and now I'm agitated because of it. It seems not to have any real cause, but then again, mood seems to be inherently erratic. The good thing was that I overcame my attitude. I just leaned on reason and the Andy Reid strategy of focusing on small, concrete tasks in a workman-like fashion, without thinking about the big picture, or what-ifs, or if I'm going to fail, etc. Andy Reid is my life coach at the moment.
Zut alors, J'ai eu la plus mauvaise attitude aujourd'hui, et je utilise le mot "attitude" en la sense demi-technique comme nouse descutions entre nos blogs des vertues.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 95-6
Streak: Won 7

Summary: Morning pages, healthy breakfast, bike, intense labor at work, weigh in at 175, 15 minutes of French, 1 letter, 1/2 hour admin, 45 minutes Artist's Way, 1 hour GRE, make lunch, dinner.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 94-6
Streak: Won 6

Summary: I'll do the French when I have time--tonight I don't have time. Morning pages, breakfast, bike, work, weigh-in at 175, French for 15 minutes, bike, AW for 45 minutes, budget for next 30 days, lunch for tomorrow, GRE for 1 hour, then dinner and rest of the evening off.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 93-6
Streak: Won 5

Summary: It was nice to be back on schedule, and I had a strong first day of the week. Everything was routine, but routine is excellent. Yeah, awesome picture of Dawkins. He's a daily inspiration to me. I set that picture as my wallpaper at work. I did my morning pages, ate a healthy breakfast, worked hard at work, weighed in at 176, started my French for the week, came home, did 45 minutes of AW, 1 hour of GRE, and then picked up Eva.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 92-6
Streak: Won 4

Summary: I got up late and watched a lot of football on my day-off. Go Eagles! I still observed my principles and set myself up nicely for next week. For the remainder of the evening I plan to read.
Je me suis leve tard et ai observe beaucoup du football americaine pendant mon jour de conge. Vont Les Aigles ! J'ai toujours observe mes principes et ai me prepare bien pour la semaine prochaine. Pour le reste du soir je planifie a lire.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 91-6
Streak: Won 3

Summary: Today was mostly a vacation-style day since my dad and sister are here. We watched both football games. I still observed my principles, and later I will probably work on some French/GRE/AW to finish-off the week.
Aujourd'hui c'etait, pour la plupart, un jour de vacance parce que mon pere et ma soeur sont ici. Nous regardons les deux jeux de football americaine. J'ai encore observe mes principaux, et ce soir je vais probablement faire du francais/GRE/AW afin de finir la semaine.

Outcome: “Win”
Record: 90-6
Streak: Won 2

Summary: Little built-in, routine activities that are virtuous are great because they only take a few minutes each day, but they add up to something substantial. Like my French for 15 minutes at lunch every day at work. I’m learning French just by habitually utilizing a small space of time that is routinely available to me. Biking is the same way. Actually, biking is even better because it both accomplishes a necessary task while giving me extra bonuses on the side. In the spirit of what I’m talking about, from now on, I’m going to write a dual-language version of my blog, while still keeping the time to a minimum.
I realized today that I am impoverished, literally. I live below the poverty line. I always pictured people living below the poverty line as subsisting in these dilapidated shacks, suffering, looking out from their porches with ghost-like eyes. Well, I am the picture of poverty. Ha! For some reason, this thought is endlessly amusing to me. Well, it’s not really funny at all when anyone is poor, but I don’t suffer too much. I have my basics taken care of.
Aujourd’hui, j’ai realise que je suis pauvre, serieusement. Je vis en bas de la ligne de pauvrete. Je toujours m’imaginais ce que les gens qui vivant en bas de la ligne de pauvrete comme subsistant dans ces maisons effondrement, regardant dehors avec les yeux de fantomes.
Ca c’est bien. Plus en retard.
Oh yeah, plus, I did my shopping tonight, and I made my lunches, so no more food bullshit like earlier this week.

Outcome: "Win"
Record: 89-6
Streak: Won 1

Summary: I just got myself back on track today. My first objective was to eat healthfully and go to bed early. I'm going to bed after I post. As for tomorrow, I don't know...there might be no chance, no chance...that I can fail! So I expect a win.

Outcome: "Loss"
Record: 88-6
Streak: Lost 1

Summary: Today wasn't all that bad in terms of production, but crucial things were lacking. I completed a tough day at work, and when I got home I plowed through my list of administrative tasks and studied for the GRE. The reason I gave myself a loss was, first, that I was sloppy with my diet today and ate pastries and cookies and shit at work, second, I should have done Artist's Way exercises and I didn't (I opted to watch a movie instead), and third, in general my vigor was lacking. I'm not too worried about this, mainly because I can identify very specific and probable causes of my recent struggles. First, I didn't do my normal grocery shopping this week and my diet has suffered as a result. This weekend I should go again and get back on track. Second, I didn't get much sleep at all this weekend, and I've been sleep deprived since then (even right now). Like the first thing, it'll probably take the weekend to restore this. I'm going to try hard tomorrow, and like I said, this wasn't a horrible loss or anything, but I just had to be honest with myself.
These past few days have reminded me how important diet and sleep are. I already knew this, but it's nice to be reminded. My theory is that if I get excellent sleep, diet, and exercise, I will probably have a 20:1 win/loss ratio, but if I slack on even one of those, I will have closer to a 2:1 win/loss ratio. That's how big those things are to me.

Outcome for the last three days: "Win, Loss, Win"
Record: 88-5
Streak: Won 1

Summary: It may have been a bad idea to go to Philly for a night and an afternoon. It threw everything off schedule, and I just can't keep myself together--I get so depressed when I leave, I just loose control. I said so much bullshit on Monday. I didn't mean most of the things I said. Like, that stuff I said over the phone to Dan was basically me speaking out of my ass. I bought a bunch of junk, neglected to do my grocery shopping, and stayed up late, which made my sleep deprivation from the last three days even worse. Whatever, it was still fun. I doubt I'll be going back to Philly again until May. The only exception would be if the Eagles were in the Super Bowl, in which case I think I'd go back up to watch.
It seems that my sense of new beginning was off-set by one day from the calendar, because today, not yesterday, felt like the start of a new year. In the spirit of new starts, I'm going to offer a new articulation of what it means when I give myself a win. I think I can boil down a win into three criteria. All three must be fulfilled in order to qualify.
#1, I must be ethical. I must always give proportionate attention to the important things, or the things most worth honoring/protecting/preserving. Without ethics you're not doing shit, at best, and you're ruining the world at worst.
#2, I must be strategic. Specifically, this means that I must do what will produce the best result objectively speaking. This sounds obvious, but it might be the hardest of my three. By default I live in accordance with aesthetics. I don't know if I can explain this (I tried in the past). Basically, if what I'm saying makes sense, I must recognize my aesthetic impulses and put them aside for more flexible and strategic approaches when striving to accomplish my goals.
#3, I must be vigorous. Fundamentally, if I opt out of doing something because I didn't feel like it, I get a loss. This is what I was saying the other day about laziness. But not only must I do what I should do, but I must do it "like a man", as the Godfather might see it, for example. I can't pussyfoot around and do half-assed work. I need to produce excellent work on every project and take pride in what I do. I can't say, "no chance, no chance!"(Godfather reference).